I’m not sure if everyone goes through life with anxiety. I am not sure if everyone know what it feels like, exactly. But, I am sure how it feels when I have to go through it. It sucks pretty bad. There are moments where everything feels OK, and I really think that things are going to get better, and that I’ve gotten through the rough times. Then, there it hits out of nowhere. This can all sometimes even happen in the same day. Feeling OK and like you got this, and then feeling it all crumble down.
Anxiety is no joke. I am not a professional in this, but I have had my fair share of experience. I remember my first anxiety attack very well, I was just sitting at my dinner table working on my laptop, and suddenly it hit me out of nowhere. I felt like my heart was going to stop and my chest tightened up like a boa constrictor. I was terrified and had to immediately go outside and take a walk with my dog. I thought I was seriously going to die, and for some reason my answer was to take a walk outside where I could possibly pass out. The fresh air helped, and I kept telling myself I was OK after calling my sister and asking her if I was alright. She confirmed it was normal, and that it was a panic attack.
I was very fearful of it coming back, which I believe encouraged it to come back. I experienced it a couple more times until I started to understand that I wasn’t dying, I was just very anxious. And I wasn’t sure what I was so anxious about. That’s part of anxiety, you might not even be aware of what is causing it. Looking back, I know what was causing it- a bad relationship. But, sometimes it can be extremely difficult to see what is wrong when you are telling yourself nothing is wrong.
There are ways of calming down an anxiety attack, as well as just plain anxiety.
I’ve learned to take a second when it is happening, when my chest starts to tighten and my heart flutters. Deep breaths help so much, but they scare me because I feel like if I breathe too deep I could rupture something and my heart could stop. Again, this is anxiety talking. Breathing deep helps slow you down and gain a sense of what is happening in that moment.
Anxiety can take over in many forms. It can sometimes be like a storm in the far distance, you know it’s going to rain later but for now you feel alright. The main thing that bugs me about it is when I am feeling alright. When I have those days where you get enough coffee in you and you feel more on top of the world than ever. You think ‘nothing can get me down today!’ and you somehow manage to convince yourself of this until you head to work. Until reality sets in and by 8am, you’re sitting there wondering how you are possibly going to get through the day.
These are the moments that really pull the rug out. When you are chugging along, thinking things are good. When you really think maybe yesterday’s panic attack was the last one you’ll ever have. Because everything is good and great and there’s no way it could get bad again. I know this sounds extreme, and I should be more aware of the fact that things ebb and flow.
I have come to terms that every day is different. Every day is full of different feelings and moments. It’s not all about how the morning goes, because sometimes the morning could suck and then by the time work is over, you look back and think about how good of a day it was. I think a big thing to try to grasp is when bad things happen on a good day, it doesn’t turn it into a bad day. It is just one small part of the day, but it’s not something to dwell on or that should define the whole day.