by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jun 22, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Top 10 Best Foods To Eat When You’re Stressed. Emotional eating is a very common thing when you’re stressed out to the bone.
It’s a way to feel comfort when everything feels off. We all do it to some extent. But, when your stress becomes chronic, reaching for a bag of chips or pint of ice cream every time can lead to health problems. And eating foods high in sugar can actually make your stress worse.
It gives you a brief moment of relief, but then you’re left feeling guilty and sluggish from eating foods that don’t provide sustainable energy. And when you’re stressed, eating the right foods can go a long way.
Here are the Top 10 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Stress
You’ll have more energy to deal with your problems, and eating right is a proper form of self-care. Practicing self-care more often will result in a boost in confidence and learning more about yourself.
1. Strawberry Avocado Spinach Salad with Chicken
This is the ultimate power salad that will help reduce your stress levels. The mix of spinach, avocado and strawberries will keep you feeling energized and you won’t crash!
This will give you energy for the rest of the day and will prevent hunger pains.
Get the FoodieCrush recipe here
2. Sweet Potato and Black Bean Quinoa Bowl
Quinoa is a complex carbohydrate (a good kind of carbs!) and a complete protein. This means it helps level out your blood sugar and energy. Two things that can easily influence stress levels.
Sweet potatoes are also great for your blood pressure and heart. Mixing these two foods together provides a healthy meal that is good for your waistline and your stress levels!
Get the recipe here
3. Spicy Avocado Toast with Egg 
Avocados are full of Vitamin B, which is great for lowering stress levels!
If you have a Vitamin B deficiency, there are studies that link it to anxiety.
Avocados are also high in monounsaturated fat (the good kind of fat!) and potassium, which helps lower blood pressure.
This recipe takes less than ten minutes to put together, so give yourself some time in the morning to eat this powerful breakfast.
Get the recipe here
4. Blueberry Pumpkin SpiceMuffins
Blueberries are rich in antioxidants and Vitamin C. Two things your body needs when you’re stressed out or anxious. And who doesn’t love pumpkin spice, especially in the Fall?
Get the recipe from TodaysWorkAtHomeMom here
5. Chunky Monkey Energy Balls
These energy balls pack a punch, and they are a great snack for an afternoon slump. The walnuts reduce blood pressure and lower feelings of anxiety.
These are also a great option if you’re craving something sweet. Instead of grabbing a candy bar, try these out.
This will give you the right type of energy that will last throughout the afternoon and won’t spike your blood sugar levels.
Get the recipe here
6. Roasted Asparagus 
There are a lot of benefits to eating asparagus, but especially to help with stress levels.
Asparagus helps fight back against those crazy hormone levels and will stabilize them.
Which means your mood will even out.
Asparagus contains folic acid, which helps produce serotonin. Serotonin calms you down.
Get the recipe here
7. Iced Matcha Green Tea Latte
Instead of drinking a third cup of coffee in the afternoon, try out this refreshing Matcha green tea. Green tea helps you relax and balances your mood. Which is the complete opposite of what coffee does!
Green tea still contains caffeine, which can help improve your concentration and wake you up. You won’t get the jitters from drinking green tea, which is a win-win.
Get the recipe here
8. Yogurt with blueberries
You already know the benefits of blueberries. Add them to some Greek yogurt and you have yourself one of the best stress-fighting snacks!
It’s been reported that eating yogurt each day reduces stress and increases decision-making. Eating yogurt has many other benefits, like improving your gut health. Which, most likely is what helps improve your overall mental health.
9. Roasted Lemon Pepper Salmon & Garlic Parmesan Asparagus
There are many reasons to include salmon in your diet, and reducing stress is one of them. The omega-3 fatty acids help counteract stress hormones and lower adrenaline.
Get the recipe here
10. Dark Chocolate 
This is when you can really satisfy your sweet tooth.
Dark chocolate helps reduce cortisol levels and is rich in antioxidants.
Eating dark chocolate every day can help relieve stress and give you a reason to eat some chocolate without feeling guilty.
Whether you’re dealing with chronic stress or have a stressful event coming up, eating these foods will help reduce your overall stress.
When we get stressed, we tend to turn to comfort food to make ourselves feel better. But, there are a lot of healthy options out there that are just as good as the comfort food options.
Work on bringing these foods into your diet, and improve your stress levels.
Read more: How to have stress-free family dinners
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jun 22, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Journaling – The Fastest Way To Get Rid Of Anxiety?
In a world full of social media, ‘swiping’, and ‘clicking’ – it can be easy to forget about one of the oldest methods of self-reflection – journaling.
Journaling is one of many ways to help naturally reduce your anxiety. Writing is a form of therapy where you can focus on getting all of your thoughts out of your head.
This helps you create clarity and gives you a different perspective on your thoughts. Usually, when we’re so wrapped up in our thoughts, we lose sight of what’s real from what isn’t.
Your thoughts form your reality. That’s why writing everything out in a journal is a great way to get out of your head.
But what do you journal about? What questions do you ask yourself? Where should you direct your focus?
Well, there’s no ‘packaged’ answer – everyone’s different. But, there are a few journal prompts you can use to combat anxiety both in the short-term and long-term.
There are some surprising things that cause anxiety. Of course, there are more than a handful of triggers for anxiety.
It all depends on the person and what personally effects them. You may have a different trigger for your anxiety.
There are many common triggers like public speaking, a job interview, or starting the first day of school.
But, what about the lesser-known causes? The ones that we aren’t even aware of trigger our bodies to feel anxious. And are you aware of them?
7 Surprising Things That Cause Anxiety
The answer to this question lies in the moments when you think you’re going crazy. You feel insanely uncomfortable but aren’t sure if anxiety is the cause.
For example, my main trigger is large crowds of people. Whether that’s the grocery store or a traffic jam. It just makes me feel really vulnerable and uncomfortable.
It might just be that you’re overthinking or something else.
Or maybe someone else is telling you that you’re just overreacting and it’s not a big deal.
Well, luckily here are a few triggers that may answer those questions. So, if you ever encounter the moments below and feel weird on the inside, it could be a result of an anxiety trigger. This may give you peace of mind the next time you encounter these moments.
Just remember, anxiety can pop up in the most random moments in your life. Even if what you’re experiencing isn’t on this list doesn’t mean it’s not a symptom of anxiety.
Listen to your body and dig deeper into how you’re truly feeling. Why is it making you feel uncomfortable?
Ok, now let’s dive into these triggers you may not know of.
Here are 7 Surprising Things That Cause Anxiety
1. PMS
Just another fun item to add to the list of symptoms of PMS. The hormones you experience during that time of the month can have an effect on your anxiety.
The stress hormone, Cortisol, increases before your period even starts. Causing you to become a worried mess and make you feel like you’re going crazy.
If you find that you can normally handle your anxiety most of the time, but find it unbearable at times, check your calendar.
If you notice your date approaching, there are a few things you can do to reduce these anxiety symptoms:
This will level out your cortisol levels, reducing feelings of panic.
- Go on more walks. Walking really helps reduce anxiety anytime you feel it coming on.
Take a quick 20-minute walk, even a few times a day.
This will help you focus on the present and feel less overwhelmed.
There’s nothing worse than having a full work/school load during that time of the month. Plan ahead and try not to schedule anything too stressful beforehand. This is the best time to stay in your comfort zone and focus on taking care of yourself.
2. Your Parents
How your parents treat you can have a direct impact on your anxiety. Whether or not they are intentionally doing it.
If you have parents who cater too much to your needs and worry about everything you do, this can rub off on you. Causing you to worry or stress out.
If you don’t have a good relationship with your parents, this can also cause anxiety. Seeking approval, or feeling distant from your parents can make it difficult to know how to be a functioning adult.
If we aren’t taught the right skills we need as kids, learning those things as we’re older becomes difficult. If you realize that your parents have a big effect on the way you live your life, you can work on changing it. At the end of the day, you are your own person.
You have to learn how to live your own life for yourself. There are ways to move past what our parents have taught us and to learn new things to reduce anxiety in your life.
3. Anxiety Causes Anxiety
If you’re aware you have anxiety, you could make it worse by bringing on more anxiety. Thinking about a time when you felt anxious can cause you to start feeling anxious again.
It’s a crappy cycle to be in. Anxiety can build onto itself if you allow it.
The best way to break the cycle is by working on worrying less, facing your fears, and practicing self-care to reduce the anxiety you’re feeling.
Worrying is just like fear, because it’s False Evidence Appearing Real. The more you believe in it, the more power you give it.
That’s why you have to work on getting over your fears and seeing that not everything is as bad as it seems.
4. Smoking Weed
This seems odd, right? After all, weed is supposed to make you feel calm and relaxed.
Smoking weed doesn’t always have positive effects. It can also possibly magnify your anxiety, causing worse thoughts than you’ve had before. Even panic attacks!
If you’ve been considering it to relieve your worries and anxiety, I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). Take caution with this, if you already experience anxiety in your life.
Often, one or two puffs are all you’ll need to get the relaxing effects, without the anxiety.
5. After Eating Food
We all know the feeling. We ate way too much than we were supposed to. But, did you know that it can also affect anxiety? There are reports such as chest pains, heart palpitations, lightheadedness, and indigestion.
Experiencing any of these symptoms can make you feel worried, causing your anxiety to spike. The solution to this is to eat a well-balanced meal and eat slowly.
Focus on foods that lower stress levels and that keep you feeling full. So you don’t feel the need to have to eat two servings.
6. Nothing at all
The chemical imbalances in our brain can randomly set off waves of anxiety, for what seems like no reason. Maybe everything in your life is going fine, but you still feel anxious.
It can honestly feel like nothing is causing it, but you just feel it. It’s most likely something inside your body, that is impossible to pinpoint unless you went to a doctor to run some tests.
If you feel like nothing is causing your anxiety, take a step back and work on taking care of yourself.
During the times when you have no idea what is causing it, just go easy on yourself. You can even say, “I feel anxious right now, but I’m ok. I’m not in any danger, I just feel off today.”
Then practice being mindful and work on some breathing techniques to help calm you down.
I’ve personally felt this myself and it’s not fun to go through. I mentally go through everything in my life to see if anything has been stressful lately.
When I come up with nothing, I get discouraged. I like to pinpoint a specific cause of my anxiety. But, it’s actually completely normal to not have anything cause your anxiety.
You just feel it. And that’s nothing to disregard. During these moments when you can’t identify a specific problem, just focus on helpful calming strategies to push you through it.
7. TV
Watching a lot of crime television and news causes anxiety. Even if you can watch it without a problem, you could experience anxiety effects later on.
Let’s say you hear on the news someone was murdered downtown in an alleyway. The next time you go downtown and see an alleyway, the image instantly floods into your brain.
Causing a little fear and anxiety.
The best option if you get scared after watching TV is to avoid those channels. Most of the time, the news focuses on the bad because it’s more exciting.
They want to get the best story, but it doesn’t mean the whole world is a crazy scary place. And you have to balance that news out with the good, or it can lead to a lot of worry and anxiety.
With these in mind, you can work on getting rid of the triggers that bring on anxiety. No matter what is causing your anxiety, there are ways of dealing with it that will help reduce it.
7 Surprising Things That Cause Anxiety – Conclusion
While just implementing one of the above strategies can have a tremendous effect on your motivation, it’s important to note that this isn’t just a one off thing. Consistency wins the game here.
But it can be done. Finding motivation when you’ve got anxiety can be super hard, and there will be easier days than others.
If there’s one thing you take away from this post is that while you do need to make some changes in your life trying to do too much, too soon, is a fast way to burn yourself out. So, take step-by-step, get clear on the direction you want to go and commit.
You got this 🙂
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jun 21, 2018 | Self-Confidence, Self-Improvement
Are you wondering how to look confident, when you really don’t feel confident? Did you know that most people fake confidence? Sounds weird, right?
I do it. And every one of my friends and family do it every once in a while. What’s interesting is “faking” confidence is actually a great way to become confident.
There is a saying: “Fake it till you make it,” and it really is something that will ring true once you start practicing the appearance of confidence.
5 Ways To Look Confident (Even When You’re Not)
In the moment, it might not seem like it. It feels awkward, and slightly uncomfortable.
But, imagine talking to a really cute guy (or girl!) You might feel nervous and worried you’ll make a mistake.
So instead of making a fool out of yourself, you just avoid it altogether. Once you go home you probably end up thinking about it a lot, going over in your head what you should have done instead.
If you went into that situation pretending you were confident, even when you weren’t, you still would have given it a shot.
There’s no way to know how a situation will turn out unless you just do it, no matter how scared you feel. It’s nerve-wracking talking to people sometimes, but what you have to understand is that everyone feels that way.
You’re not alone. Some people are just great at hiding it, and they don’t let it hold them back.
When you act confident, you skip passed overthinking the situation and just jump in. Like when you’re getting ready to jump off the diving board.
If you stand there and wait, it just becomes scarier. But, if you just run and jump and do it without thinking, it’s done. It’s out there.
So, how do you look confident even when you don’t feel it?
1. Pay Attention
When your heart starts to race and you get nervous about something you’re not fully confident in, it’s hard to focus on anything.
Including listening to what that other people around you have to say. This can actually make the situation worse, if you’re having a conversation with someone you like. And your not listening to them.
Then once they realize you’re not listening, things get awkward. They will think you don’t care, when in reality you are just so worried about screwing it up.
Instead of focusing so much on the fear, pay attention to what is happening in the moment.
- Fear is powerful, but a good way to fight it is by being present and listening.
Ask questions and listen to the answer. This is how you build up a conversation, and after you get past that initial phase of talking, you’ll be so focused on the moment that you’ll forget why you were so scared in the first place.
This is super important. Especially when you leave and go home. You don’t want to be feeling like an idiot for not knowing how to respond when someone was talking to you. That can have a big effect on your confidence.
2. Don’t Be Afraid to Smile and Make Eye Contact
Laughing or smiling feels impossible when you’re not confident enough. But, it’s honestly the best way to loosen up.
When I was a teenager, I used to work at a restaurant with some really cute guys. I’m introverted, so I didn’t have much skill in talking to other people, let alone cute guys.
But, I just started watching Youtube videos of my favorite actresses and shows like the Office and Friends to bring out my funny personality.
I was awkward, but I totally used it to my advantage. I made jokes and sounded like a dork, because it’s truly who I was. This meant laughing at myself and not being afraid to make eye contact.
People like people who are easy to talk to and who don’t take themselves too seriously. So take a deep breath, and practice laughing.
Think about something funny you truly like and use that to make you feel good before doing something that tests your confidence.
3. Be Kind
Be kind to yourself, and to others. Communicating with other human beings seems like more and more of a challenge these days. Confidence is feeling secure enough in yourself to make others feel better.
When we lack self-confidence, our self-doubt can bring out negative thoughts.
If you’re feeling insecure, instead of giving into the inner critic inside your head, think about something nice to say instead. I have a strong belief that kindness and humor can go a long way.
Practice giving other people compliments, that truly comes from a good place inside you. Don’t just say something nice just to check it off your list. Truly mean it.
If you mean it, it will make you feel amazing.
Because you are making other people feel good about themselves. Which then makes you feel good about yourself.
The more you feel better about yourself, the more you’ll want to give to the world. And this will seriously boost your confidence.
4. Repeat People’s Names
Whether it’s a new job, a new class, or meeting someone at a bar for the first time, practice repeating the person’s name right after you hear it.
Not knowing someone’s name can affect your self-confidence, because asking “Sorry, what’s your name again?” is kind of awkward.
It’s not bad to ask that, but repeating someone’s name is a great way to appear more confident, while also letting the name stick in your head.
If you’re meeting 20 people all at once, then please don’t worry about remembering everyone’s names But, if you meet one new person, try shaking their hand and repeating their name back. It will stick a lot better.
Sometimes I think of how I can remember their name even better. Like if their name is Britney, I think “Like Britney Spears”.
Remembering someone’s name and saying it, later on, will give you a big boost in confidence. And the other person will be super impressed.
Because everyone knows how awkward it is to meet someone for the first time. Remembering a name will go a long way, I promise!
5. Go easy on yourself and celebrate the small wins
Everyone in the world makes mistakes. People stumble on their words, mess up their speeches, and generally just mess up sometimes.
Which is just proof that perfection isn’t possible. And the more you try to reach it, the further it will get. Leaving you feeling defeated and annoyed.
Instead, track your progress and the small wins. If you had the courage to get up in front of the class and give a speech, way to go!
It really doesn’t matter how the speech even went. All that matters, to build up your confidence and appear more confident, is taking action.
Even if you totally butchered something, who cares? We all make mistakes and laughing about it later is all you can really do.
Sometimes, it’s not that easy. But, thinking about everything you’ve done so far is what you have to remember during those tough moments.
Fear is crippling, and every time you decide to go after something despite facing fear, you build up confidence. You become stronger.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jun 15, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Improvement
We could all stand to learn how to be more resilient during stressful times of life. Because I know. there are times when stress completely takes over.
And it’s usually when you’ve reached your maximum capacity that things go south fast. You can’t control your temper, you’re short with your loved ones, and you’d do anything to get away from what you’re feeling right now.
But, there are ways to handle tough times in your life without going over the edge. Here are some tips to help you become stronger and more resilient when times get tough.
How To Be More Resilient During Stressful Times
Stress sucks. Our lives are crazy hectic at times and it’s no wonder we don’t flip out on people more often.
With how much we’re expected to handle without complaining, outbursts are bound to happen. No matter how bad it is, you can stay calm and remind yourself this will pass.
I’m not saying it’s easy—I don’t always deal properly with stress. But, as I’ve reached my breaking point more often, I’ve learned that blowing up on my boyfriend and crying on the floor isn’t the best answer.
Neither is emotional eating or sulking your sorrows in alcohol. Our fight or flight reaction kicks in when we’re stressed, so we get one of two urges.
Fight it out with anyone in sight or run away from our problems with some ice cream in tow. And neither one of those is the right answer.
These don’t solve anything, they are just quick fixes to cover up a bigger problem. What you can start to do instead is work on being more resilient in the face of trouble.
What is Resilience?
In the simplest terms, resilience is your ability to bounce back from anything that gets thrown your way. I’m going to use a rubber band metaphor here. Think of pulling a rubber band as far as it can go, really stretching its limits.
Then think about letting go of the rubber band–what happens to it?
It snaps right back to its original form. I know that rubber bands lose their elasticity after a while, so it’s not the best metaphor, but resilience is basically a rubber band that never loses its elasticity.
Some people have a lot of resilience. They get knocked down, but they continue to get up and push through.
How to Build Resilience During Stressful Times
There won’t be a time in your life when bad things and problems stop happening. The quicker you can accept that, the faster you’ll move on and develop resilience.
1. Think of Your Stressful Situation as a Learning Experience
So often we fall into the trap of playing the victim. When stress piles on, it’s hard not to think the world is out to get you.
It’s destructive thinking to believe you deserve to have bad things happen to you. And it’s incredibly difficult to be stronger during tough times if you just cave and let it control your life.
Think about any stressful situation as a growing period. You could even call it growing pains. You might feel vulnerable, hurt, or scared and these feelings are raw.
Nothing feels good about these moments, but they are going to pass. Resilient people believe this, and they take it as a learning experience.
They ask questions like:
- How can I know better for next time?
- What do I know now that I didn’t know before this problem?
- What is the best solution to push through right now, so I can go back to feeling normal?
When you start to believe what you’re going through is just a growing phase, you’ll feel more confident you can push through it.
Every time a tough situation comes up and you believe that you build up resilience. Until one day, it’s not even a question if you’ll make it through or not.
So if you want to be more resilient, know that you need to tell yourself that you believe you are strong.
2. Use your Low Moments to Push You Forward
Everyone has setbacks. Trying to be a more positive and resilient person will have its own setbacks.
Life sometimes feels like it’s a one-step forward two steps back kind of thing. You might try really hard to focus on being resilient and not let things get to you.
But, you’re human. What helps is using those low moments, where you’ve fallen down and don’t see any hope, to push yourself out of it.
Think of what can change, and what problems can be solved. Take it one step at a time and lay it all out. When you get knocked down and decide to try again, you build resilience.
If you choose to stay down, it’ll be way too easy to stay there a fall prey to feeling like a victim.
3. Practice Being Grateful for What You Have
Think about it– what makes you happy? Is it your dog? Your boyfriend? Is it when you get to come home from a long day, make a yummy dinner and binge on Netflix?
These things are easy to take for granted. But these are the things that get you through the tough times.
Sometimes it’s hard to be grateful for things that are constantly there. We just assume they’ll always be there.
Thinking of things that bring you happiness makes it really easy to be grateful for them.
Resilient people know what they have, and they protect it and appreciate it every day. Start with the small things, like your car, your bedroom, or your pillow.
Thinking about those things during the tough moments will give you a new appreciation for what you do have. Bad things happen, but they are only temporary.
4. Take Care of Yourself
Do you find that exercising or eating healthy goes out the window when you’re stressed out of your mind? That’s because we are looking for comfort in any way we can find it.
Things feel out of control, and it’s so easy to resort to unhealthy ways of coping. But, drinking wine every time you come across an issue just makes you rely on it to fix your problems, or make them disappear for a night.
You’re not actually listening to what you need, which is a shoulder to cry on, or driving around listening to your favorite music.
- Start putting yourself first, learn how to listen to what you need, and put in the effort to do those things.
Once you learn how to take care of yourself during tough moments in a healthy way, you’ll be well-equipped to deal with any level of stress.
Download my free mental wellness resource kit for more tips on how to take care of yourself from the inside out.
5. Focus on Improving Your Confidence
A lot of the time we lose sight of what we are capable of when we’re stressed. This can diminish our confidence and leave us wondering what the heck we’re doing.
Without confidence, it’s incredibly easy to want to give up. And that mental strength is exactly what you need to have in the face of difficult moments.
Confidence is one of the key ingredients to building resilience. Once you have it, you won’t struggle with feeling overwhelmed anymore.
You’ll believe you can make it through, and you’ll think logically about the situation.
Confidence also prevents your life from getting too stressful in the first place, because you’ll know how to set healthy boundaries.
6. Work on Building Strong Relationships
Sometimes you can’t do everything alone. Having the right people on your side can make a huge difference.
During the moments when you feel like giving up, talking to a close friend might be just the thing you need to keep pushing forward.
When you’re stressed and overwhelmed, keeping up with relationships is difficult. You’re so preoccupied with everyone going on that staying in touch with someone is tough.
This backfires during those moments when you’re in complete distress and really need someone. Building resilience requires taking time, even during hectic times, to call up a friend and say, hey can we talk for a few minutes?
- Talking it out is one of the best ways to manage everything going on.
You’ll get a new perspective and learn the things you’re freaking out about aren’t that big of a deal, in the grand scheme of things.
- Just remember that during stressful times in your life, things aren’t going to be perfect.
- You’ll have moments of not knowing what you’re doing, but go easy on yourself.
If you beat yourself up over trying to handle a situation better than you did, you’ll only add to the stress.
Resilience is all about accepting what happens in your life and solving problems one step at a time.
It requires patience and practice, over and over again. You will become mentally stronger and you’ll go from thinking “I can’t” to “I can”.
The more obstacles you overcome in your life and come out on the other side, the stronger your resilience will become.
For More Tips On How To Be More Resilient:
If you’re looking for more help with building a stronger mindset, becoming more resilient, and creating your dream life, make sure to check out Refine Your Life Purpose + Wellness.
Inside Refine Your Life Purpose + Wellness course we cover:
- Mindset
- Blocks
- Emotions and feelings
- Self-love
- Problems
- Overwhelm, burnout, and busyness
- Productivity
- Time management
- Goal setting
- Habits
The course is packed full of information that begins with changing your mindset to push through obstacles and ends with giving you important life skills that everyone needs to know.
To see the full video, and all other lessons, click here.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jun 7, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Do you find it hard to put yourself first? Are you even aware that you probably don’t put yourself first?
This is a common problem for a lot of people. During the day, we are at the mercy of others. At work, we have to listen to what our bosses and co-workers tell us to do.
At home, we have to take care of our pets, children and SO’s. As an adult, there is a constant obligation you feel. To cater to everything else, and put your needs last.
But to be truly happy, you need to put yourself first. Especially when it comes to being able to take care of other people, pets, and responsibilities.
Why You Need To Put Yourself First and How to Do It
I applaud you because putting everyone and everything before yourself makes you a stand-up person. Putting others before yourself is a huge act of kindness. It’s hard to say it’s a bad thing because other people benefit greatly from what you do.
But, putting other people before yourself brings up a lot of issues. You’ve heard the saying you can’t pour from an empty cup, right? It’s true.
If your cup is empty or your batteries are dead, it becomes impossible to cater to others. But, you might have been taught that putting your needs first is selfish.
It’s what we’re taught growing up because acting selfless is viewed as good in our society.
And it is, don’t get me wrong. But, there’s a line that has to be drawn. If not, giving all you have away will end with you feeling miserable. Not to mention overwhelmed, stressed, and resentful of others.
If you don’t take time for yourself, you can’t be there for someone else in the way you want
You’ll also have less patience and tolerance for people who need your help. Letting your cup run dry will cause issues in your life. As you’re trying to please everyone else and take care of other people, eventually it will backfire.
You can only take on so much at a time before becoming so burnt out that you stop caring about all of it. It will affect your health because of the chronic stress it causes. And it has the potential to ruin relationships.
You might think putting yourself first is selfish and will cause these issues anyway. In reality, you’ll be a much better person to be around.
Once your cup is full, you’ll be more than willing to give more to other people.
How to Start Putting Yourself First
1. Set Your Limits
Everything is okay in moderation. To set your limits, you’ll have to figure out what your limits are. This might take some practice. It’s OK if you don’t get it exactly right all the time. But, setting your limits is so important.
If your boss keeps asking you to work overtime or your sister is crashing on your couch every night, you’ll need to set up some limits.
You can start doing this by taking a few minutes out of the day and reflecting on the balance in your life. Do you have enough of your own downtime every day? What brings you happiness?
Think about the things that start to get uncomfortable if they continue to happen. This is a great way to start putting yourself first. Saying no and setting boundaries is NOT a bad thing.
It’s 100% necessary. You’ll have to believe it’s necessary for your own health before you can start practicing it.
Get rid of those thoughts that saying no means you’re a bad person. If you don’t set limits, people will not know when to stop. It’s not their fault, it’s just that most people don’t know when they cross a boundary.
Boundaries are different for everybody, so it’s important to determine what your own are and make them clear to the people you care about.
In order to stay at your job and do good work, you need a good work-life balance. Let your boss know this, that way they can understand what you need to succeed and to stay at the job.
For some people, setting boundaries is too difficult so they end up quitting or getting out of relationships to avoid it.
This is not the best option, because you’ll always come across a situation where someone tests your limits. Instead of avoiding it, work on fixing it. And if you find that you try setting boundaries with certain people and they still continue to cross them, then that’s when you can decide to remove that from your life.
People who don’t respect boundaries are difficult, and you’ll need to determine if they are worth having around or not.
2. Learn How to Listen to Yourself
If you haven’t put yourself first in a while, you might have forgotten how to listen to your own wants and needs. Knowing what you want is essential because you’ll also know what you don’t.
This is how you build up self-confidence, by listening to yourself. If your friends all want to go out to a club on Friday night, but you really just want to stay in and watch a movie, listen to that!
Instead of going just to avoid upsetting anyone, listen to what you truly want. This is also part of setting limits. But, before you can set limits you have to know what you truly want.
You’ll have to get rid of everyone else’s thoughts and opinions about your life and practice listening to what it is you want. At the end of the day, it’s about what brings you happiness.
It’s not really about what anyone else wants, because the people who care about your happiness will be more than willing to give you what you need.
Our own voices can disappear once we start putting everyone else first before ourselves.
This is the time to start practicing listening to your heart and going after that. You deserve it!
3. Remember, You Aren’t Responsible for Other People
If you struggle to put yourself first, you most likely have your life way more together than others around you. People who need you to take care of them don’t have the right tools to do it themselves.
You might feel like you can give more because you can handle more. And that means giving some people way more than they deserve.
Everyone needs to hold themselves accountable for their own lives. You can’t be responsible for everyone. With the exception of animals and babies, other adults can take care of themselves.
And if they can’t, they shouldn’t be relying on you to fix their struggles.
You can do your best to be there for them when they need it, but you’ll also need to take time for yourself. Put up that boundary so they know they can’t run you completely dry.
This isn’t a selfish act. It’s actually really healthy for both of you. It teaches other people that if they draw the line, you can’t be there for them anymore. And that’s on them, not on you. And you won’t get to the point of resenting them or blowing up on them for taking so much.
4. Practice Self-Care
Do what it is you need to do. Do you enjoy reading? Taking hot baths? Talking to your closest friends? Drinking wine and binge-watching Netflix?
Do these things and do them often. Practice taking care of yourself every single day. Even if it’s just 15 minutes before you go to bed.
Self-care keeps you in tune with yourself. This helps you set your limits, listen to yourself more, and know when things are off-balance in your life.
Self-care is like watering a flower, and the more you do it the more you’ll grow as a person. You’ll flourish even!
5. Stop Feeling So Guilty
Guilt makes us feel awful and brings us to do things we wouldn’t otherwise do.
We feel guilt out of fear of people disliking us, feeling like we’re doing something wrong, or feeling like we’re being too selfish.
Guilt is what will keep your cup from filling up if you allow it to control your life. Instead, let go of it! I know how tough guilt can be. Even when you decide to make a decision for yourself, you might be flooded with guilt and decide to go back on your decision.
This is when you just have to lean into it. Deal with feeling uncomfortable and stand by your decision to put yourself first. Guilt is a test, and you have to push through it.
Once you become more comfortable with doing things for yourself, instead of always doing things for others, the guilt will go away. I promise!
The only reason you feel guilty in the first place is either because someone is trying to take advantage of you and make you feel bad, or you’ve been taught from a young age to not put yourself first. You have to counteract those feelings of guilt and understand how much good will come out of putting yourself first.
You can maybe even make a pros and cons list of what will happen if you decide to do something you really don’t want, just to please someone else. And see the pros of listening to yourself and doing what you want.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Feb 1, 2018 | Self-Confidence
Let’s chat about some ways to build confidence at work.
Recently I shared some tips for what to do when you have anxiety at work. That article may help you too!
But today I want to add on to that, by discussing ways to build confidence for yourself in your job. Especially if it’s a new job which you are just starting.
Because for sure, that can be pretty terrifying all on its own, if you aren’t mentally prepared. It doesn’t have to be scary. Here’s how to fake it till you make it.
How To Build Confidence At Work
Starting a new job is always exciting. You finally get the call that you got your dream job and you’re walking on clouds.
Holy crap! This is it! This is when everything starts falling into place. Your life is coming together, and the door is opening for endless possibilities.
Then the first day at your new job arrives, and you’re scared to death. Why the hell did you want to get a new job? This is not exciting anymore… it’s freaking scary.
With palms sweating and heart racing, you’re just sure you’re gonna mess something up. First days of everything are the hardest.
The first day of high school, the first day of college, and now the first day at your new job. You know you can get through it, but the unknown is also terrifying.
It’s totally natural to get scared when you’re starting something new. That’s partly what makes it so exciting! And once you get your feet wet, it ends up not so bad. Fortunately, we adapt to change quickly.
Whenever I start a new job, I always remind myself that it’s just temporary. This fear of trying something new will go away in a few days, and then I’ll wonder why I was so scared of it in the first place.
The unknown can be crippling, but it’s usually never as bad as we make it out to be.
Telling myself this usually helps, but it doesn’t always prevent me from totally messing something up. And if you do get scared on your first day, just think about my first day on the job. I showed up twenty minutes late to my first job after trying to take a shortcut and spilled a little bit of coffee on my pants…. very professional.
So just keep in mind that you will get over that initial first-day hump. Even if it’s scary, it’s just another day that will pass.
How to prepare for your first day at a new job.
I’ve found that being prepared helps in general. Whether that’s getting up to talk in front of a large group of people or going out on a first date. During those moments, you probably stand in front of the mirror and practice what you’re going to say.
I say do the same for a new job! Gather as much information as you can during the interview process. That way you can pretty much know what to expect on that first day. At the same time, avoid preparing too much.
You don’t want to psyche yourself out. The weekend before you start, you can spend twenty minutes preparing what you might have to talk about.
Like answering questions about what job you worked at before, where you went to school, all that small talk jazz. And then… let it go. Staying prepared helps your confidence.
But, there are things you can’t prepare for cause you don’t know what the future holds… if only! This is where that saying comes in “Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t.”
Take that much-needed break.
As an introvert, I need time to myself to recharge. Devoting 40 hours of my time a week to a job drains my energy. Really, talking to someone for twenty minutes is enough for my WHOLE week. Yep, I’m that weirdo who prefers playing Zelda over talking to anyone.
So, when I start a new job, I typically try to take a few extra days off in between to ease the transition. Starting a new job is super exciting, but it’s also stressful. And it takes a toll on your body, like being too nervous to sleep or eat the day before.
If you’re going from one job to the next with only a two-day weekend in between, it might not be enough time to fully prepare. Not everyone can take a week break in between jobs (because of bills), but even if you can give your two weeks’ notice to end on a Wednesday or Thursday before starting that next Monday can help.
Our jobs take up over half of our time, which is difficult when you need time to buy new clothes, find new office notebooks, and just mentally prepare for a new work environment.
That’s why I think taking an extra few days (or weeks if you can!) to cleanse yourself of your old job and start fresh with a new one can help out a lot.
You’ll feel more confident to knock out that first day, and if you have a long enough break, you’ll be eager to start working again.
Find your rockstar outfit.
If I end up wearing something that is uncomfortable at work, I can’t. Stop. Focusing on it. This means I am not listening to anyone around me… not the best way to make a good first impression.
If I had the option, I’d wear sweatpants and my favorite sweatshirt at all times during the day. But since you have to be somewhat professional looking at work, the right outfit is super important. Wear something that you don’t have to worry about, that fits well.
What I mean by that is a shirt that doesn’t ride up when you sit down or isn’t too low-cut. And pants or jeans that fit just right and don’t suffocate your stomach when you sit down.
A perfect outfit will make you feel extra confident walking into your first day at work. Read this guide on how to create a capsule wardrobe.
Some things to consider when choosing your outfit:
- Bring a sweater. Office temperatures are so wishy-washy. One day it’s too hot, the next it’s too cold. Unless that’s just me going through hot flashes, in which case I need to see a doctor. Bring a sweater you don’t mind leaving at work and put it on your chair. If you’re super sensitive to temperatures like me, a sweater is an easy solution.
- Don’t wear white. Be careful about choosing an all-white shirt. From personal experience, any time I’ve ever worn a white shirt to work, I drop something on it. And it’s 10 times more difficult to try to remove a stain from a white shirt than it is a dark shirt! Who would’ve thought?
- Wear comfy pants. I have a very sensitive stomach and when I choose to wear skinny jeans that cut off my circulation, my stomach pays for it and starts yelling loud Shamu sounds (let’s be real, this happens even when I’m wearing sweats, too. Damn you stomach.) I love the stretchy skinny jeans that come in different colors. I usually get mine at Ross for like $12. They are professional-looking but still flattering and super comfy, especially if you sit at a desk all day.
Get a gold star. Arrive early.
Stressing about time on your first day is the last thing you want to worry about. Since you are most likely going to be pretty stressed already, make sure you have enough time to get to work, deal with parking, figure out who you should talk to, etc.
When you had your interview, it was most likely during the day in between rush hour. So it might have only taken twenty minutes to get there without traffic, but if you work at rush hour times you’ll want to plan ahead. You can never go wrong with being early, so give yourself an extra twenty minutes or so.
Don’t be like me.
Write that down.
You’ll get a lot of information on the first day. Meeting new people and remembering their names, plus learning all the new rules.
Keeping a notebook handy will help you remember certain things. Again, the first day might be a little nerve-wracking, which makes it hard to fully focus on what’s going on.
It’s happened to me before when I’m told what days of the month I get my paycheck, and I completely forget because I’m too nervous to remember anything.
With this in mind, if you don’t remember everything on your first day don’t sweat it. I’ve been at jobs before where I never learned certain people’s names, and I was there for a year— and I survived.
Where’s the bathroom?
Ask questions. It doesn’t matter how small or big your questions are. Where’s the bathroom? When is my break? What time do I get off? Think of any question you have, and make sure to ask the right person. That’s usually the one who is helping you throughout the day.
Asking the right questions also shows that you are genuinely interested in your job, and you care to make a good impression. Even if you are super quiet on your first day, you can write down a few questions in advance to ask.
Prepare for lunch…with your co-workers.
This is a typical friendly gesture of your new co-workers. They want to make you feel welcome and get to know you more. If you’re anything like me, going out to lunch with a group of strangers is… something I’d never voluntarily do. If you’re prepared, you can power through it.
You can write down a list of questions you want to ask, and pretend that you’re comfortable in situations like those, even if you’re not. The truth is, it’s awkward for everyone, even the employees who have been there for years. So just pretend you’re a confident badass, and no one will be able to tell the difference!
- Just like I said earlier, starting anything new is tough. But, you have a reason for starting a new job and the cool part is that you do have a new job to look forward to!
With these things in mind, you’ll be able to fully prepare for your first day and be well on your way to taking the next step in your career. Which, I’ll admit is a great feeling.
If you are ready to make some changes in your life, enroll in my training series Refine Your Life Purpose.
