by The Lovely Refinement Team | Feb 17, 2019 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it just isn’t good enough? Even when you’re trying your hardest?
It’s almost like trying to run in deep sand, uphill. Dealing with anxiety isn’t easy, and when it makes you feel like a failure it just makes it that much worse.
I personally struggle with this and internally beat myself up often. I’ve learned that my anxiety loves to try and sabotage me and make me worry about things that don’t even really exist.
You know what I mean?
Why Anxiety Makes you Feel Like a Failure (and How to Fix it)
The good news is it’s possible to fix this. And it’s not too difficult, if you’re willing to put in a little bit of effort.
You actually don’t have to always feel like you’re failing.
It’s very much possible to be confident with what you’re doing and not second-guess yourself all the time.
Why Anxiety Makes You Feel Like a Failure
There are many reasons why anxiety makes you feel like you’re failing.
Some people think that having anxiety is a failure.
Others think allowing anxiety to consume their life is a failure.
And other people feel ashamed because of the mental health stigma out there, leading them to feel like a failure if they have anxiety.
It Makes it Harder to Feel Confident
Anxiety trips you up. It makes you second-guess yourself.
Which diminishes the confidence you once had.
Instead of feeling sure that nothing will go wrong, you become discouraged when it seems like everything is going wrong.
It’s Difficult to Make Decisions and Stick to them
Ugh. I personally hate making decisions. It’s a weakness of mine.
And making decisions isn’t easy when you struggle with anxiety.
Do you know how much worry goes into decision-making?
The thoughts like “Well, if I do this then this could happen. Or if I don’t do this, this could happen.”
With anxiety, the possibilities are endless.
And your brain won’t stop, making it nearly impossible to make a decision and stick to it.
It’s Hard to Have Conversations with people
Anxiety means you’re in your head a lot. This allows you to overthink things.
And when it comes to talking to people, that can be really hard.
You might think that someone doesn’t like you based on they’re body language.
Or just how quiet some people are towards you.
And then not to mention actually having a conversation with someone. What to say and what to keep to yourself is hard to know when the whole conversation just feels awkward. Due to your anxiety.
Anxiety Leads to Depression
The spiraling thoughts, feeling not good enough, worrying about every little thing…
These anxious thoughts and feelings stop you from living your life, which leads to depression.
You may even start to wonder “What’s the point?” when your quality of life has gone way down due to these things.
How to Fix This
Practice Patience
When we are trying to make progress but end up falling behind, it’s so easy to get down on ourselves.
Practice having patience. I know it’s hard to do when you’re in the moment.
But, having patience allows you to slow it all down.
Instead of trying to completely get rid of anxiety, you give yourself time to learn and make mistakes.
Be patient with yourself and remember that it’s ok if you have setbacks.
Gain Perspective
Along with being patient, taking a step back to gain perspective helps too.
Think about how far you’ve already come and what you’ve gone through to get to where you are right now.
It’s hard to remember these things when you just don’t feel all that good about yourself.
But, life isn’t easy. And just the fact that you’re here now, wanting to work on your anxiety says a lot.
Be proud of this fact and just remember that whenever you feel like a failure, it will pass and you’ll move on stronger from this.
Replace Your Negative Core Beliefs with Positive Ones
We all have core beliefs within ourselves. These beliefs are what guide us in life, and they also are how we view ourselves.
If you have negative core beliefs such as “I’m a failure”, you’ll feel this way whenever you come across a bump in the road.
For example, if you get a bad grade on a test, get fired from a job, can’t go to work because you’re anxious, feel like you’re letting others down, etc.
These are all thoughts that come from that negative core belief. In order to change these thoughts, you have to work on changing that initial core belief.
Spend Time Around Supportive People
I believe a support system is one of the best tools you can have for your mental health.
When you’re feeling like a failure and just can’t seem to shake it, hang out with the people you trust the most. Bounce ideas off of them, and even ask them if what you believe is true. Let them help guide you in a more positive direction so you can bounce back quicker.
Remember Nothing is Permanent
No matter how badly you messed up remember that nothing in life is permanent.
Everything is temporary. Just like how you might get worried about the good times not lasting long enough, the bad times also don’t last. Maybe you can find some comfort in that. So if you’re feeling like a failure in the current moment, it will pass.
In the meantime, don’t do anything drastic when it’s a temporary feeling.
Learn from your Mistakes
Making mistakes feels embarrassing and uncomfortable. It’s why we avoid trying to make them in the first place. But, mistakes are inevitable.
When you do make them, use it as a lesson. Not as a failure.
Messing up and making mistakes is a part of life. Just like eating or brushing your teeth.
Think of it as more of a blessing and a learning opportunity, if you can. This will take practice on your part to switch negative thoughts toward mistakes into positive ones.
Finally, Ask Yourself What You Truly Want.
Ok, so we all make mistakes and have our own failures.
From the small things we do on a daily basis (like showing up late to work or missing a dentist appointment) to the bigger things (dating someone for 5 years before realizing they weren’t the right one, spending thousands on a bachelor’s degree you never use)
These examples aren’t how I view failure, they are just typical things we feel like failures about. If you’ve done these things, it doesn’t automatically make you a failure! They’re just examples.
Anyways… if you look at your failures right now can you answer this question with honesty, Did you want them in the first place?
Maybe a part of you wanted them. But, you have to be honest with yourself first. Failing at things usually comes from not caring enough about them.
And maybe this is a generalization of it because I’m sure some people will honestly say they did care enough.
But, coming from experience I know that when I “fail” at something, it’s always because I give up. Due to the fact that I didn’t really want it…
Or it wasn’t the right timing and my priorities were different. There are many factors that come into why we choose to stop doing things.
But, it’s so helpful to just be honest with yourself.
The next time you feel like a failure ask yourself “Do I want this?”Then ask yourself “Is there anything I could have done differently?”
And finally ask “If I had the chance to redo this and make that change, would I do it?” So, let’s say you went to college for a bachelor’s degree and didn’t end up using it. You might think, this was a waste of money and time on my part.
But, be honest here. First, getting a bachelor’s degree is a HUGE success in my eyes, and in most people’s eyes.
Secondly, you learned a lot from getting a bachelor’s degree. You had the opportunity to learn, which is one of the most beautiful parts of life.
Finally, there is a reason you decided not to use it. Maybe you realized your passion was in something else or you were offered an amazing opportunity with something else.
That does not mean you have failed. Failure isn’t so black and white. We win some and we lose some. It’s important to be honest with yourself and self-reflect.
This is how you become more in tune with yourself and how you live a more authentic life.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Feb 4, 2019 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Have you ever noticed when you try to push your anxiety away, it gets worse?
No matter how much you try to stay busy and distract yourself with other things, anxious thoughts float up to the surface.
And because you can’t seem to fight them away, you feel even more anxious. It’s honestly a vicious cycle to be in.
How to Stop Fighting Anxiety & Find Peace
Here’s the deal:
Fighting your anxiety will never get you where you want to be. Resisting it just doesn’t work. What does work is embracing it.
Which most people find uncomfortable to do when they’re sitting smack dab in the middle of a panic attack.
That’s because they think embracing means to love your anxiety.
And who loves anxiety!? Not me, that’s for sure.
But what embrace means is accept it for what it is. Without trying to change or fix the situation.
You don’t have to like it and you don’t have to force yourself to do anything.
All you have to do is allow your anxiety to exist with you. Similar to an annoying fly that will not leave you alone in the summertime.
Are you interested in learning more about how to accept your anxiety in order to reduce it? Ok, let’s get started!
How to Stop Fighting Anxiety & Find Peace
Start with your Self-Talk
Pay more attention to how you’re talking to yourself during highly stressful moments.
When you’re feeling really anxious, are you internally telling yourself negative things?
Like “I’m a failure because my anxiety keeps coming back no matter how hard I try to fight it.”
Or “I deserve to be unhappy and anxious. Since I can’t seem to get rid of it, this must mean this is how my life is going to be forever.”
If you find yourself saying negative things when you become anxious, use the S.O.S. technique.
S.O.S. is:
S- Stop: tell yourself “stop!” to pause the situation. Pause your thinking and don’t dig any further into the negative hole. This is your chance to identify the specific negative thought and interrupt the cycle.
O- Observe– Observe what you’re saying and how it’s making you feel.
S- Shift: Shift your mindset. Start with changing your thoughts to a positive one, then create a positive feeling through that. Once you’ve created a positive thought and feeling, you can then turn it into a positive action.
Understand your Anxiety
Have you ever given yourself a few minutes to sit with your anxiety and understand where it’s coming from?
Most of the time we try to push it away. Some people use unhealthy coping strategies like alcohol or smoking. They just can’t bear feeling anxious.
But that only covers up the problem temporarily.
Work on figuring out where your anxious thoughts are coming from. What is triggering this?
Once you take a moment to learn why you’re anxious then you can put a plan in place to solve the problem.
Look at it From a Different Perspective
Imagine if this was a close friend who was having this problem instead of you. How would you react?
You’d probably start by showing some compassion towards them and telling them that everything is going to be ok.
It’s easy for you to do that because you have a different perspective on the situation than they do. And that’s how you can work on managing your own anxiety.
By changing your perspective. Sometimes we get so zoomed in on our problems that we don’t think clearly.
When you’re so close to your problem, you might not even see a helpful solution because your brain is too focused on the problem.
Take a step back. Imagine flying high up into the air to where you can barely even see your house.
Think about if this problem is life-threatening or not. And ask yourself if there was a time worse than this in your life that you’ve overcome before.
Gaining some perspective allows you to untie some of those anxious thoughts, loosening its grip over you.
Make Sure to Take Care of Yourself
Feeling overwhelmed and anxious are usually symptoms of a bigger problem.
A lot of people forget to focus on taking care of themselves when they have a bunch of stuff going on.
It’s just too easy to forget that you need a break, the right nutrients and to set boundaries.
Instead of fighting your anxious thoughts, check in with yourself.
Are you getting enough exercise? Do you feel like you have a lot of self-worth within yourself? Are you satisfied with your jobs and relationships?
As you do this, you might realize there are parts of your life that are slipping away.
And losing those things could feel threatening to you, which causes anxiety.
If you find that you need to take a step back and reevaluate things, try to figure out a way that you can take care of yourself on a daily basis.
Find Support
It seems that part of the world is becoming more and more isolated. Due to things like technology and the ability to work remotely.
Being isolated and alone with your thoughts allows way too much room for anxious thoughts.
As a form of taking care of yourself, it’s important to set up a strong support system.
This starts with your close friends and family. Then intimate relationships. As well as co-workers and seeking therapy if needed.
Each person in your life provides different things. And some people just won’t understand what you’re going through.
Even if they love and care about you, it’s difficult to open up to people who might misunderstand what you’re going through.
You can work on building a pyramid of a support group. And put in the people who you can rely on during moments when you need them.
And if you can’t find anyone in your life who knows how to talk with you, then I always suggest speaking to a therapist. They can help you better communicate with your friends and family about your specific needs.
Moving Forward
When you decide to accept your anxiety instead of fighting it, you will start to feel a shift.
It will require practice and patience on your part. But this allows you to embrace your anxiety for what it is.
And when you start to do that, it’s much easier to go on with living your life. Things won’t scare you or worry you as much.
You won’t feel crippled by your anxiety.
And as you move forward with your life, you’ll recognize when your anxiety is popping up. It’s even possible to have high levels of anxiety and be able to quickly push through them.
It just starts by accepting your anxiety. And going into it by telling yourself “I’m not trying to get rid of my anxiety, I just want to learn how to accept it for what it is. It can be in my life, but it doesn’t have to control my life.”
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jan 25, 2019 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Do you need a lesson on how to build self-worth? Maybe you are having trouble believing in yourself like you used to.
There comes a time in many people’s lives when they get knocked down. Straight on their face.
It’s the time when reality hits you hard, and you’re left sitting there wondering how to push through life. Or even what the point of it all is.
Let’s dig into some ways you can build self-worth and start believing in yourself again.
How to Build Self-Worth & Start Believing in Yourself Again
While you’re pondering the meaning of life, you also begin to hear your inner voice
tear you down.
Saying things like “You’re not good enough.” “You’ll never amount to much.” And when you start to listen to this little voice, it becomes bigger. Louder. And eventually takes over your entire state of mind.
Your self-worth diminishes and is replaced with confusion, lack of confidence, and feeling unsure about every decision you’re making in your life. I’ve been there…. Multiple times.
Any time I quit a job or didn’t have enough money to pay next month’s rent, or when I was in a toxic relationship. My self-worth shrunk to the size of a peanut. And it was really hard to believe in myself enough to know that I could pull out of it.
When you become stuck in the mindset that you don’t matter a whole lot and you don’t have many reasons to believe in yourself, you can easily start to lose sight of the whole reason for your existence.
- This is when people get uncomfortable. Once they lose sight of who they are, they resort to unhealthy coping strategies to help them feel more alive.
Because what’s happening is, the light inside of you is starting to go out. You don’t feel the energy to go after your goals, and you don’t even know what goals you want to achieve.
The tricky part is pulling yourself out of this mind trap that you’re in. We all like to play the victim from time to time and just believe it’s everybody else’s fault for making us feel this way.
Not taking responsibility for your life or actions is the first sign of low self-worth.
Fortunately, there are ways to overcome this. You can have more energy, relight the spark inside of you, and feel motivated enough to go after anything you want in life.
1. Figure out Where your Self-Doubt Thoughts are Coming From
What you want to start doing is finding the root of your negative thoughts. Where is that voice coming from inside of you?
You can do this by first listening when that voice speaks up. What is it saying to you?
Sometimes it’s hard to hear it because you’ve gotten so used to believing in it. When it’s telling you something mean about yourself, you might not even think it’s being mean.
But, if it makes you feel worse later on in the day and you can remember why, write
it down. Identify what your negative thoughts are saying so you can begin to quiet those voices.
2. Build up Your Strengths
One of the main reasons people have low self-worth is because they see all of the stuff they aren’t good enough for.
That job, that relationship, that lifestyle. When you see the destination of where you want to be but have no clue how to get there, it becomes overwhelming and feels impossible.
What you can start doing is building up your strengths. Think about what things you’re really good at. This can be with any category of your life.
Some examples are:
- I’m a good listener
- I put a lot of effort and hard work into my job
- I’m really good at (fill in the blank)
- People have told me I do this really well
- Give your inner critic a break for a while and listen to the good parts about yourself. This will help you feel a little better and put you on the path to self-worth and self-trust.
- I enjoy learning new skills
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Do you love yourself? Like, honestly. As you’re reading this can you say out loud “I love myself”? Is there hesitance towards answering this question?
If there is, why do you feel hesitant? Do you feel that maybe if you lost 15 pounds you would love yourself? Or if you achieved something in your life, you’d be worthier of love?
This is a mind trap we all fall into from time to time. It’s not always easy to love ourselves through thick and thin. There are even times when I don’t always love what I see in the mirror.
But, practicing self-compassion can give you a huge boost in your own confidence and self-worth.
Self-compassion allows you to forgive yourself more easily. You won’t feel so stressed all the time because you have your own back.
Download my FREE self-love guide to help you with this.
4. Work on Facing Your Fears
Being fearful of trying new things and going after what you want has a big effect on your self-worth.
If you feel too afraid to try things, it’s reaffirming to your inner critic that you aren’t good enough to go after those things. And when you don’t try, you never truly know what the outcome will bring.
When you work on facing your fears, you develop trust within yourself. Even if you end up falling flat on your face.
Doing something that scares you daily will help build up your self-worth because you will see that you made it through. And when you start facing your fears you start going after the amazing things you want in life. You start achieving things because you stopped being too afraid to even try.
- Once you start facing your fears, you become more used to it. Fewer things scare you and the more things start to excite you.
5. Set a Challenge for Yourself
You can start small by setting a simple challenge for yourself. Maybe by the end of this month, you can do one thing that scares you.
Decide on one thing today that will help build your self-worth. This is a personal preference as to what makes you feel better.
6. Cut Down on the Self-Criticism
Any time you start beating yourself up and feeling bad about your life, catch that inner critic. This starts with accepting yourself and being ok with who you are. There is no growth without first accepting yourself.
The first step to self-acceptance is reducing the negative self-talk you’ve been feeding your mind Stop being so hard on yourself when you’re honestly just doing the best that you can.
People who love themselves learn how to forgive their mistakes and move on from the past. They understand that they are only human and can only be expected to do so much.
At the same time, they work on self-improvement and enjoy pushing their limits to see how far they can get in life.
7. Visualize Who and Where You Want to Be
Do you want to hate yourself and feel a lack of confidence forever? Or do you want to start living a better life that includes being happier and more at peace?
Then start by writing down what your life would look like if you had no limits. Seriously, write down every dream and thought you have that would be amazing to have in your own life.
It doesn’t matter if it “feels” selfish or like a dream way too far out of reach. The point of this exercise is to envision a life that you actually want. Without the limitations, you’re already constantly setting on a daily basis.
Visualizing where you want to be in the future opens up more room for inspiration in your life. This is where you feel creative and even excited to focus on the things you want.
Wipe the dust off your imagination for five minutes and do a brain dump. Write down all of the things you truly want out of life, no matter how far out of reach they may seem.
Once you do that, then write down how you’re feeling afterward. Does it excite you? Scare you? Overwhelm you?
Tune into your current emotions and let them feel free to bounce around for a while. Let go and dream and allow yourself to feel however it is you’re feeling.
8. Reward Your Successes
Deciding to make any sort of change in your life requires time and patience. You have to train your brain to let go of one way of thinking and make room for new thoughts.
To make this more enjoyable for you, set up a reward system. Each time you work towards your goals come up with something that you enjoy.
Maybe that’s taking the evening off and relaxing. Or cooking up your favorite dinner. Maybe it’s treating yourself to something new.
Whatever makes you feel good, excited, and inspired. That way you can keep moving forward with your progress.
For More Tips On How To Build Self-Worth And Confidence:
Watch this video lesson on how to build self-worth, below. This is a preview from my wellness course Refine Your Life Purpose + Wellness.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Dec 30, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
You can start to lose motivation and wonder if you’ll ever be good enough to fight it off.
Anxiety is what happens as a result of things occurring in your life that leave you feeling unsure and confused.
If it makes you feel this way, how could it possibly be used to your advantage?
Well, your anxiety is actually a warning sign trying to protect you from getting hurt.
It is there for a reason and it allows you to be more aware of your surroundings.
Feeling anxious isn’t the greatest, but it doesn’t have to mean it’s the end of the world.
And anxiety has a lot of benefits to it, despite what you might think. And there are plenty of ways you can start taking your life back when you have it.
Imagine if you could become more in tune with your anxiety and use it to your advantage. You’d probably feel relieved and much happier, right?
Here’s how you can use anxiety to your advantage
Start by Channeling your Anxiety
What typically ends up happening is we feel anxious and immediately want to get rid of it. It’s very uncomfortable.
Worrying all the time isn’t a pleasant feeling.
Anxiety feeds on itself when you give it negative thoughts. You can definitely make your anxiety worse, or you can choose to channel it.
You do this by looking at it from a different perspective. Start asking questions. What is it trying to tell you?
This situation is making you feel anxious, but why?
What is causing it? What are the cold hard facts about what you’re going through? What are you making up in your head? What conclusions are you jumping to?
What are your worries about the situation? Does this make it any more or less true?
Start channeling that anxiety.
Think of your anxiety as a wild horse. You’re working on lassoing it and gaining back control.
Bring Attention to Finding Your Core Values
Ignoring your own core values is a direct result of feeling anxious. Your internal values are what make up everything you do and believe in.
Core values are your guided compass, telling you which direction to go in life.
When you ignore those values, you start to lose sight of your own purpose.
It’s easy to stop listening to your values when you have society throwing its own opinion down your throat.
You then start living a life that is on a completely different path than what you wanted.
Anxiety is what forms as a result of ignoring your core values. You can use your anxiety to your advantage by digging up your core values again.
The rewards you get from listening to your core values are:
- Feeling less anxious
- Being more at peace with who you are
- Living an authentic life
- Feeling more confident in your actions
The downsides of not listening to your core values are:
- Feeling discontent
- Relying on unhealthy coping strategies to get you through uncomfortable moments
- Living an unfulfilling life
- Not having a purpose or direction in life
Your values keep you in line with how you truly want to live your life. Your anxiety is a signal telling you that you’re not aligning with your values.
Listen to that signal, it means something needs to change for you to feel better!
Use Anxious Energy to Help Enhance Your Performance.
Whenever I used to have to get up and give a speech, my hands started sweating and my heart would race. I’d get super uncomfortable and felt like I couldn’t even swallow.
It’s as though my anxiety was taking control over my body.
A way I have learned to use anxiety to my advantage is by tuning into the energy it gives me.
It takes some practice, but you can allow that anxious energy to benefit you in a big way.
Yes, you will still feel anxious and scared.
However, you can go one step further and allow it to guide you. If you have to get up and give a speech, channel that anxious energy into the importance of what your speech is about.
What you’re doing is important, it’s why you feel anxious in the first place. Your anxiety is actually a sign that what you’re doing matters a lot.
Don’t fight it. Go easy on yourself and just ride out the anxious feelings.
Which helps build your mental strength, each time you work with your anxiety.
Develop a Stronger Mind-Body Connection
Your mind and body go hand in hand. They may feel separate, but how you treat your body results in how good you feel psychologically. And vice versa.
Your body feels the emotions your brain is experiencing. When your mind is on a different level from your body, it brings out feelings of anxiety.
This can lead to a tired body, stressed out mind, and little energy to fight off negative thoughts.
You can use your anxious thoughts to your advantage by developing a stronger mind-body connection.
Some ways you can do this are:
- Practicing yoga and/ or meditation
- Taking a walk out in nature
- Stretching
- Eating a balanced diet
Being anxious allows you to understand what works and what doesn’t for you personally.
You Focus More on the Important Things
When you experience anxious thoughts, you start to see the world in a different way.
You appreciate the little things, like coffee in the morning or staying indoors.
The simplest tasks are enough for you, because otherwise it triggers a lot of anxious feelings.
Your anxiety allows you to focus on more important things, because you don’t have the patience or tolerance for the silly things.
Like large groups of people, FOMO, or doing things just to fit in.
Instead you appreciate things like a fictional book, inspiring quotes, or song lyrics that really “get” you.
You develop stronger relationships with the people around you because you are more in tune with your own emotions.
This allows you to understand what they’re going through on a deeper level.
You’re a sensitive person, which allows to you be kinder to other people.
You also practice gratitude for the small things because those are the things that matter most.
It Helps you Let Go of Being Perfect
The pressures of life can become too much at times.
Trying to be perfect at everything just isn’t possible. And your anxiety will be the first one to tell you by knocking you on your ass.
Have you noticed that when you try to do everything right in other people’s eyes, you start to hate yourself more and feel less worthy?
That’s because you are trying too hard to be perfect.
And your anxiety will make it so you can’t continue living your life that way. It’s signaling to you that you have to stop pleasing others.
You can stop taking everything so personally by learning to let things go.
Anxiety is strong and powerful. And this reason is why you can’t be a perfectionist when you have it. It physically will not let you.
You just have to learn to let it go and adjust your level of perfect. Instead of working so hard to make it perfect, you learn what is good enough.
And that is an insanely valuable lesson to learn in life.
Moving Forward
Your anxiety is a gift, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. And you might hate me right now for saying that.
Especially if it prevents you from doing the things you enjoy. It causes a lot of fear and tension in your life.
But it is part of you for a reason. To make you more compassionate and caring. And to give you a stronger insight into life.
That makes your life more fulfilling, when you can learn to use it to your advantage.
I personally am grateful for my own anxiety because it’s made me stronger.
I have to take personal days more often and put more effort in, but I am rewarded with a richer life.
I wouldn’t trade it for the world, even if it does open the door for more suffering when I don’t listen to it.
When you start to see your anxiety as more than just a burden, it can benefit you in many ways. I hope this has possibly given you a new perspective and helped relieve some of the pressure anxiety causes.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Dec 4, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
We all struggle with anxiety from time to time.
Some struggle constantly with it while others do every once in a while.
There is no one size fits all when it comes to experiencing anxiety.
Each person is unique, which means what causes their anxiety is unique.
I personally hate being in public spaces by myself and feeling eyes on me at all times (even if no one is actually staring).
Other people get anxious about doing good enough at school or work.
And there could be multiple things causing your own anxiety.
What I work on making happen with this blog is getting you to see that your anxiety is not a bad thing.
It’s a part of who you are and yes, it can make you feel awful at times.
But just because you have it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to feel awful forever.
And you can also have anxiety while keeping it at bay… so it doesn’t fully take over and cripple you from doing anything.
Do you want to know a secret? Even though I constantly write about how to overcome anxiety I STILL deal with it on a daily basis.
I’ve come to terms that it’s not going away for me.
There are some days where it’s barely there, but other days it pulls the rug out from under me and I feel anxious over the smallest things.
I have a love-hate relationship with anxiety, and sometimes it is really frustrating.
However, I have spent enough time dealing with it that I’ve learned to just accept it for what it is.
Anxiety no longer has a strong hold over me like it used to.
Since I’ve learned how to do this, I want to teach you to feel the same way about it.
Anxiety can be that stubborn friend that drives you crazy most of the time, but you refuse to give up on. Because when you decide to give up on your anxiety you are also deciding to give up on yourself.
Here are 20 survival tips for living with anxiety.
1. Take the Pressure Off Yourself… Let Go of Perfection
Each time you try to strive for perfection you are just feeding your anxiety.
Imagine giving a little monster in your head food to keep it strong and powerful.
You want to starve that freaking monster, and one way you can do that is by letting go of trying to be perfect.
You’re going to mess up sometimes, that’s just part of being a human. And if you can learn to accept that and move forward then you will lessen the hold anxiety has over you.
2. Talk Openly About How You’re Feeling, Don’t Hide
If you’re anxious, I want you to scream it to the freaking world!
Ok, maybe not. Just stop feeling like you have to hide it. If you’re anxious, that’s OK.
And if you’re uncomfortable about doing something because of your anxiety then you can speak up to people about it.
Whether that’s at work or just letting a family member know how you’re feeling.
Don’t be afraid to speak up about your mental state because you deserve to have support from others close to you.
3. Make Sure to Take Frequent Breaks
Do you know how much energy it takes to get through a single day when you have high anxiety?
A LOT.
Doing simple tasks just like getting out of bed in the morning and taking a shower can feel like you’ve run a half marathon.
Going to work, socializing with other people, and being a responsible adult is like climbing Mt. Everest.
Take frequent breaks to avoid completely burning yourself out. At work that might mean a quick bathroom break every hour.
And each night when you’re in the comfort of your home make sure to take some time to unwind and decompress.
Allow your anxiety to rest for a little bit.
4. Eat Anxiety Reducing Foods
If your diet consists of mainly eating junk food or foods high in sugar, this could be contributing to your anxiety.
What you eat has an effect on your hormones and mindset.
It’s ok to eat your favorite ice cream every once in a while, but eating anxiety-reducing foods most of the time will help keep your mindset strong.
You can learn more about the best anxiety-reducing foods here.
5. Challenge Your Brain Daily
You know how dogs need enough walks and playtime every day to keep their brains stimulated?
The same goes for your own brain.
Challenging your brain allows you to make it stronger. And it not only helps with anxiety, it helps keep your memory sharp.
Some ways you can challenge your brain are:
- Playing games like Sudoku
- Cooking up a meal
- Doing math in your head, not using a calculator
- A challenging hobby like learning a new language, or instrument, or doing a puzzle
6. Find the Right Job for Your Wellbeing
I spent two years at a job that was the worst fit for my overall mentality.
I became anxious daily and that turned into depression.
If you feel this way about your job, you can make it your priority to spend time finding a job that does work for you.
We spend most of our time stuck at work throughout the week. Then we come home exhausted and don’t have the energy to focus on the things we love.
Find a job that encourages your mental well-being to be strong. And trust me, it is out there. There isn’t any reason you have to stay at a job you hate forever.
7. Work on Accepting the Fact Not Everyone Will Understand What You’re Going Through
It’s so easy to assume that no one cares and that you’re all alone. When you suffer from anxiety, your brain can convince you of anything.
What’s really happening though is your mind is making up false stories in your head.
It’s hard to find the right people to talk to about your anxiety because not everyone will understand. So it can definitely feel as though nobody cares.
What can help you is learning to accept that not everyone will understand what you’re going through. You are unique and have your own unique struggles that cause your anxiety.
A lot of other people struggle with anxiety, but different things make them anxious.
That doesn’t make what you’re going through any less important. It just means YOU have to be the one who supports yourself.
Have your own back and forgive others for not fully being able to understand. You matter and you just have to believe that.
8. Work With Your Anxiety, Not Against it
Stop fighting your anxiety and wishing it never existed.
It’s here in your life for a reason. To make you stronger and to keep you aware.
Try to start working with it and listen to what it’s telling you. If you get really anxious about talking to other people, how can you make that work in your favor?
9. Spend Time with Non-Judgemental Animals (or People)
Sometimes all you need is to be around living things that place no judgment on you.
You can do this by going to your local animal shelter and hanging out with the animals there.
Or some people find a lot of peace at a horse stable.
If you know certain people in your life who never judge you, hang out with them!
You are already judging yourself more than anyone else, there’s no reason to be around people who love to bring you down.
10. Remember That You Are Not Alone And Work Daily at Convincing Yourself of This
What can really get to people is believing they are all alone in how they feel.
I’ve been where you have been, and I know a lot of other people who have too.
Anytime you do think you’re all alone, just work on changing those thoughts. Think “I’m not the only one going through this, and I know I can get help from people who are experienced in this.”
You’re NOT alone. Keep working on telling yourself this.
11. Take it Day by Day, and Hour by Hour
There are days when you need to take each moment as it comes.
When you wake up in the morning it might feel really overwhelming to think about all you have to get done that day.
Instead, work on focusing on the moment right in front of you. That means getting out of bed. Then taking a shower, then eating some breakfast.
Focus on the present moment and let the rest of the day happen when it happens.
12. If a Certain Technique Doesn’t Work For you, Don’t Let it Cause You More Anxiety
When I was really anxious I tried to do CBT, which is challenging your thoughts.
It helped a little, but I was so devastated when my anxiety came back and I couldn’t fight it.
I had to start taking medication before I could work on CBT. If you are trying a technique to help your anxiety and it’s not working, don’t give up hope.
Not every technique will work for everyone, but that doesn’t mean nothing will work for you.
Believing this will only cause you more anxiety.
13. Practice Gratitude Often, Even When You Feel the Opposite
Every day work on finding at least 3 things you are grateful for.
No matter how you’re feeling. This might not always help in the moment, but if you do it enough times your brain will start to see the good in things.
During the times you’re feeling really anxious, close your eyes and picture the things you love and are so grateful for having in your life.
14. Engage in Exercises That Help Anxiety
Strength training can really help reduce your anxiety because it allows you to focus on putting that anxious energy into something else.
The same thing goes for yoga, kickboxing, and running.
All forms of exercise can help different people. Try to do some sort of exercise most days of the week.
Even if that’s just a 30-minute walk. Take care of your body so your brain can benefit from it.
15. Use Your Anxiety to Your Advantage
Despite all the bad associated with anxiety, there is some good.
You can start using it to your advantage by using that energy and taking action.
What makes anxiety worse is letting the fear stop you in your tracks.
When you’re feeling anxious about something, take action towards whatever it is that’s making you anxious.
If you’re feeling anxious about going to the grocery store, drive to the parking lot and visually see what it’s like to be there.
Embrace your anxiety instead of wishing it was gone.
16. Have a Backup Plan
This is always helpful for someone with anxiety. If you are scared about going to the grocery store, set your limits.
Make your grocery list and think about where your items are in the store.
Then, set a goal for yourself. If you can get just 5 items on your list, it’s a win.
And rate how anxious you feel on a scale from 1 to 10 when you’re in the store.
If you hit above a 7, then it’s time to leave.
Remember, work with your anxiety, not against it. Don’t force yourself to jump into the deep end if you know you’re not ready.
17. Don’t Let the Mental Health Stigma Prevent You From Getting Help
It’s getting better, but there is still a stigma around mental health struggles.
Some people just can’t wrap their heads around depression or anxiety.
They’re the ones that tell you to “just get over it”.
If you come across people who believe in the stigma, please ignore them.
Believe in yourself and believe that you deserve to get help. What you’re feeling is valid, it’s not just made up in your head.
Never give up the fight to get help. When you have a lot of anxiety, it becomes very uncomfortable.
Nobody deserves to stay in that state of mind for the rest of their lives. There are people out there who can help, you just have to believe that.
18. Keep in Mind That When You Struggle With Anxiety, There Are Positives
Your anxiety allows you to be more aware as a person.
That means when you’re having conversations with people, you can sense how they are feeling.
You listen better, care more, and understand when people are struggling.
Your anxiety gives you a type of power that other people don’t have.
You are more in tune with yourself and how you feel, which makes you an emotionally intelligent person.
There is a lot of good that comes out of being an anxious person, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
19. Don’t Rely on Unhealthy Coping Strategies to Pull You Through… You’ve GOT This
When you feel anxious, don’t try to completely push it away.
Using alcohol, food, or drugs to help you get through it will only make it worse. Unhealthy coping weakens your mental strength.
The next time you’re feeling anxious, challenge yourself to lean into feeling uncomfortable.
Do something that will help your anxiety, not temporarily cover it up.
20. Never Give Up Hope
Don’t ever give up hope. There is a spark inside of you that is just waiting for you to listen to it.
It’s 100% possible to reduce the anxiety in your life and feel great again.
There’s a reason why you struggle with anxiety, and you just have to work on finding what that reason is.
If you’re feeling hopeless, here are some resources for you to go to talk to someone who understands what you’re going through:
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Nov 5, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
How To Overcome Self-Sabotage Behavior, Self-sabotage is something we all can get pretty good at if we’re not careful.
It’s something that starts when you’re younger and how your parents treated you. Before you even have a shot at creating a positive life for yourself.
This isn’t just because I’ve been watching all the episodes of This is Us (but that show is a very good example of how your childhood affects adulthood).
How do you handle rejection? Or if someone judges you? Do you let things slide or let them stick to you for the next ten years?
How To Overcome Self-Sabotage Behavior
Our parents have a big influence on how we grow up, how we see ourselves, and how much value we place on who we are.
If your parents didn’t treat you right, there’s a chance it’s affecting your life right now. Don’t get me wrong, your parents aren’t the only reason why this happens.
The way they teach you about life and how they encourage you can have a big impact on your confidence. But, also other people in your life too. Like your siblings, best friend, or early-on intimate relationships.
Other people make us feel less than or more than good enough. When life crashes its crazy waves down onto you, how you handle it is what’s most important.
I like to relate how you’re feeling right now to your childhood because if you get rejected as an adult then you might think back to a time when you felt the exact same way.
Like you were in trouble with the principal or something. It just makes you feel like way less of a person. And when we don’t know how to handle these negative side effects to life then that’s when the self-sabotage starts.
What is Self-Sabotage?
If you aren’t sure if you self-sabotage (even though I’m pretty sure you are), then here are some ways you could be doing it without knowing it:
Because of all the different forms of self-sabotage, your anxiety levels will increase. It’s honestly a bad cycle to get into, and it’s very difficult to pull yourself out of it.
A Glimpse Into My Personal Life
For the longest time, I always believed that nothing good was supposed to happen to me. I was good with living that way, too.
I didn’t expect much and didn’t like to get my hopes up. When it came to getting close to people in relationships I always kept my wall up.
That way if something happened and they lost interest, I wouldn’t be so hurt. The downside was they never got close enough to see who I truly was.
Being vulnerable to the world is scary and it’s much easier to just stay in your little bubble and avoid it all.
With being happy comes the risk of losing it all. And then being left alone, once again with a broken heart. If you feel this way, I get it.
You’ve been hurt in the past, so self-sabotage does seem like the easiest option. You do it to yourself first before anyone else can.
- Coming from someone who’s made it through to the other side, I will tell you it’s way better on the other side.
When you decide to finally open up and live your life authentically then it actually gets easier. At first, it’s uncomfortable and weird. But, it’s very much worth it to open up your heart to the good life has to offer.
I have learned a lot from my past experiences. After a string of problems in my youth, I believed I didn’t deserve much happiness. It felt so much better to be one step ahead of everyone else. When I had my walls up, I felt more in control.
But then I started to meet people who didn’t put up with that crap. They either wanted all of me or none of it. And honestly, I was getting sick of living the life I was living because it wasn’t real.
I went through trials and errors when it came to jobs and relationships and my family. But I am now on the other side. Where I am risking a lot, but I believe it’s worth it.
- Stop sabotaging your life and start exploring what it has to give you.
Even if it’s scary and uncomfortable.
How to Overcome Self-Sabotage, Reduce Anxiety, and Live a Better Life
That quote “It’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all” is a great quote.
It’s so true. Because when you actually decide to live your life and stop sabotaging any chance you have at happiness then you really learn how to start living.
1. Stop Neglecting Yourself
At some point, you are going to have to come to terms with who you are. Even if you don’t currently like yourself.
If you try to move quickly in the world and avoid your thoughts and feelings, slow down. If you love to get into relationships with toxic people who don’t treat you right, stop.
And if you love to work yourself into the ground before taking a second to look up at all that you’ve accomplished then it’s time to look deeper inside.
Obviously, there are deep roots to all of these things. It won’t be as easy as me telling you to just “stop”. But, you can choose to make the decision if you really want to.
It just depends on how committed you are to living a better life. And it starts with you.
Stop neglecting yourself. Focus on what you need the most and listen to it. Start believing that you deserve more. And if there is a belief inside of you that thinks you deserve more, hold onto it. Don’t let it go for anyone.
The first step to ending self-sabotage begins with you. Once you learn to let go of all of those self-deprecating thoughts then you will start to see what you will and will not tolerate anymore.
You will begin to let go of the people and toxic things that just don’t serve you anymore. And you’ll start to bring in more positive things.
2. Don’t Avoid Things
Your emotions, other people, the long to-do list on your fridge… these are all things you probably tend to avoid from time to time.
Avoidance doesn’t solve anything, though. It usually just ends up making the situation much much worse.
Maybe you learned to avoid things at an early age. Avoiding things in your life is actually a symptom of something else.
People use unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking or overeating to avoid what’s really going on. This will only help temporarily.
Avoiding things just makes life way more complicated than it has to be. If that’s what you enjoy about it, then work on paying more attention to what your emotions are telling you.
You can put a stop to this by actually facing what is going on. At the end of the day, whatever you are avoiding will float right back up to the surface.
Confronting things might not have been something you were taught, but it’s never too late to learn! Face your problems head-on, figure out a way to fix them, then move forward.
3. Open up to the People Around You
No matter what you might believe, there are people out there who care about you. It may actually surprise you. The people who you only say two words to you at work might like you a lot more than you think.
You will never know what someone else is thinking unless you decide to start talking to them. Assuming is such a dangerous thing to your mind.
Thinking no one cares about you, or that other people are way happier without you, or that everyone is too busy to make time for you isn’t healthy.
Any thoughts that flood into your brain when you think about reaching out is your inner critic trying to make you feel worse about the situation.
- It’s not fair to you or the other people around you to just assume they don’t care.
Some people don’t, and they are the assholes who you don’t need in your life. Most people do, though. The world is full of a lot more kinder and heartfelt people than bad ones.
It’s just unfortunate that the bad guys make headlines in the news. It’s more interesting than writing “Nice gentlemen held the door open for the woman in a wheelchair.”
Good does exist in the world. It always will. The world might feel very dark at times, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a light shining somewhere.
You just have to be willing to see it. Reach out to people. Talk to someone about what’s going on.
Be open and honest and stick to your guns. Take care of your mind by letting out the things that are affecting you.
If you know people close to you who check in and want to make sure you’re ok, speak up to them. And if you don’t have close people, then reach out to a counselor or therapist.
4. Stop Blaming Others
I’ll be honest, I held onto blaming others for a long time. It was so much easier to do that and resent them instead of focusing on myself.
It’s very difficult to turn that finger back on ourselves and face our own issues. Admitting to your faults takes strength that you may or may not have right now.
- You can work on building up that strength by stopping that knee-jerk reaction to blame someone when you’re uncomfortable.
Sure, it could be someone else’s fault. That doesn’t make it any better, though. Instead, work on clearing your mind. Don’t focus on the issue and distract yourself with something else.
Take responsibility for your life and let go of all of the blame. People who don’t self-sabotage don’t blame others, even when they have every right to do so.
They are strong enough to take a step back, learn how to fix the problem and then move on. They don’t dwell on the bad stuff, they just move forward so they can get back to feeling good again.
5. Let go of Trying to be Someone You’re Not
Are you trying to live up to the expectations of someone else? Does your job accurately reflect what you want to be doing with your life, or is it just something you do to get by?
Are you spending every day trying to live as authentically as possible or are you more focused on being successful in other people’s eyes?
These are just a few questions you should be asking yourself. As we grow up into adults, we get advice from many different angles.
Other people tell us what we should do, and yet they never want to stick around to help us through the tough moments. The more you try to live up to other people’s expectations the more resentful you will become.
That’s how you start blaming other people for your life problems. Honestly one of the best ways you can stop self-sabotage and live a happy life is by ignoring what everyone else thinks.
No matter who they are. The ones who love you and respect you will be by your side every step of the way. The ones who don’t support you, won’t.
- If you spend all your time trying to please the unsupportive ones then you’ll be living an unfulfilling life.
Maybe you already have supportive people in your life. But, if you don’t then don’t worry about leaving them behind when you start to live your life on your terms.
Because your well-being matters way more than anyone’s opinion of you. And when you start to fully believe in that then you will feel the self-sabotage start to fall off your shoulders. You will begin to see your worth and you’ll start to see a spot in this world for you.
How To Overcome Self-Sabotage Behavior – Conclusion
As I’m writing this ‘how to overcome self-sabotage behavior’ article, and as I write any article on my blog, I realize that it’s so much easier to just write these things out than to actually do them.
Whenever you are trying to improve yourself and are searching online for the answers, remember that improving yourself takes time.
All the advice in the world can’t change that fact. You won’t turn into a completely different person overnight. What you can do is take this advice and work on moving in the right direction with it.
Every article you read or thing you do to better yourself is a huge step in giving yourself a great life.
If you want to learn more about this and discover how to break through your own mental roadblocks to take radical action over your own happiness, enroll in my signature mental wellness course.
And as you work on stopping the self-sabotage and loving yourself more, each time you decide to work on yourself is you deciding to put yourself first above anything else.
