by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jan 25, 2019 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Do you need a lesson on how to build self-worth? Maybe you are having trouble believing in yourself like you used to.
There comes a time in many people’s lives when they get knocked down. Straight on their face.
It’s the time when reality hits you hard, and you’re left sitting there wondering how to push through life. Or even what the point of it all is.
Let’s dig into some ways you can build self-worth and start believing in yourself again.
How to Build Self-Worth & Start Believing in Yourself Again
While you’re pondering the meaning of life, you also begin to hear your inner voice
tear you down.
Saying things like “You’re not good enough.” “You’ll never amount to much.” And when you start to listen to this little voice, it becomes bigger. Louder. And eventually takes over your entire state of mind.
Your self-worth diminishes and is replaced with confusion, lack of confidence, and feeling unsure about every decision you’re making in your life. I’ve been there…. Multiple times.
Any time I quit a job or didn’t have enough money to pay next month’s rent, or when I was in a toxic relationship. My self-worth shrunk to the size of a peanut. And it was really hard to believe in myself enough to know that I could pull out of it.
When you become stuck in the mindset that you don’t matter a whole lot and you don’t have many reasons to believe in yourself, you can easily start to lose sight of the whole reason for your existence.
- This is when people get uncomfortable. Once they lose sight of who they are, they resort to unhealthy coping strategies to help them feel more alive.
Because what’s happening is, the light inside of you is starting to go out. You don’t feel the energy to go after your goals, and you don’t even know what goals you want to achieve.
The tricky part is pulling yourself out of this mind trap that you’re in. We all like to play the victim from time to time and just believe it’s everybody else’s fault for making us feel this way.
Not taking responsibility for your life or actions is the first sign of low self-worth.
Fortunately, there are ways to overcome this. You can have more energy, relight the spark inside of you, and feel motivated enough to go after anything you want in life.
1. Figure out Where your Self-Doubt Thoughts are Coming From
What you want to start doing is finding the root of your negative thoughts. Where is that voice coming from inside of you?
You can do this by first listening when that voice speaks up. What is it saying to you?
Sometimes it’s hard to hear it because you’ve gotten so used to believing in it. When it’s telling you something mean about yourself, you might not even think it’s being mean.
But, if it makes you feel worse later on in the day and you can remember why, write
it down. Identify what your negative thoughts are saying so you can begin to quiet those voices.
2. Build up Your Strengths
One of the main reasons people have low self-worth is because they see all of the stuff they aren’t good enough for.
That job, that relationship, that lifestyle. When you see the destination of where you want to be but have no clue how to get there, it becomes overwhelming and feels impossible.
What you can start doing is building up your strengths. Think about what things you’re really good at. This can be with any category of your life.
Some examples are:
- I’m a good listener
- I put a lot of effort and hard work into my job
- I’m really good at (fill in the blank)
- People have told me I do this really well
- Give your inner critic a break for a while and listen to the good parts about yourself. This will help you feel a little better and put you on the path to self-worth and self-trust.
- I enjoy learning new skills
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Do you love yourself? Like, honestly. As you’re reading this can you say out loud “I love myself”? Is there hesitance towards answering this question?
If there is, why do you feel hesitant? Do you feel that maybe if you lost 15 pounds you would love yourself? Or if you achieved something in your life, you’d be worthier of love?
This is a mind trap we all fall into from time to time. It’s not always easy to love ourselves through thick and thin. There are even times when I don’t always love what I see in the mirror.
But, practicing self-compassion can give you a huge boost in your own confidence and self-worth.
Self-compassion allows you to forgive yourself more easily. You won’t feel so stressed all the time because you have your own back.
Download my FREE self-love guide to help you with this.
4. Work on Facing Your Fears
Being fearful of trying new things and going after what you want has a big effect on your self-worth.
If you feel too afraid to try things, it’s reaffirming to your inner critic that you aren’t good enough to go after those things. And when you don’t try, you never truly know what the outcome will bring.
When you work on facing your fears, you develop trust within yourself. Even if you end up falling flat on your face.
Doing something that scares you daily will help build up your self-worth because you will see that you made it through. And when you start facing your fears you start going after the amazing things you want in life. You start achieving things because you stopped being too afraid to even try.
- Once you start facing your fears, you become more used to it. Fewer things scare you and the more things start to excite you.
5. Set a Challenge for Yourself
You can start small by setting a simple challenge for yourself. Maybe by the end of this month, you can do one thing that scares you.
Decide on one thing today that will help build your self-worth. This is a personal preference as to what makes you feel better.
6. Cut Down on the Self-Criticism
Any time you start beating yourself up and feeling bad about your life, catch that inner critic. This starts with accepting yourself and being ok with who you are. There is no growth without first accepting yourself.
The first step to self-acceptance is reducing the negative self-talk you’ve been feeding your mind Stop being so hard on yourself when you’re honestly just doing the best that you can.
People who love themselves learn how to forgive their mistakes and move on from the past. They understand that they are only human and can only be expected to do so much.
At the same time, they work on self-improvement and enjoy pushing their limits to see how far they can get in life.
7. Visualize Who and Where You Want to Be
Do you want to hate yourself and feel a lack of confidence forever? Or do you want to start living a better life that includes being happier and more at peace?
Then start by writing down what your life would look like if you had no limits. Seriously, write down every dream and thought you have that would be amazing to have in your own life.
It doesn’t matter if it “feels” selfish or like a dream way too far out of reach. The point of this exercise is to envision a life that you actually want. Without the limitations, you’re already constantly setting on a daily basis.
Visualizing where you want to be in the future opens up more room for inspiration in your life. This is where you feel creative and even excited to focus on the things you want.
Wipe the dust off your imagination for five minutes and do a brain dump. Write down all of the things you truly want out of life, no matter how far out of reach they may seem.
Once you do that, then write down how you’re feeling afterward. Does it excite you? Scare you? Overwhelm you?
Tune into your current emotions and let them feel free to bounce around for a while. Let go and dream and allow yourself to feel however it is you’re feeling.
8. Reward Your Successes
Deciding to make any sort of change in your life requires time and patience. You have to train your brain to let go of one way of thinking and make room for new thoughts.
To make this more enjoyable for you, set up a reward system. Each time you work towards your goals come up with something that you enjoy.
Maybe that’s taking the evening off and relaxing. Or cooking up your favorite dinner. Maybe it’s treating yourself to something new.
Whatever makes you feel good, excited, and inspired. That way you can keep moving forward with your progress.
For More Tips On How To Build Self-Worth And Confidence:
Watch this video lesson on how to build self-worth, below. This is a preview from my wellness course Refine Your Life Purpose + Wellness.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Oct 10, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
At one point or another, we feel like we just aren’t good enough.
For that new job, that new guy, or even with our own family.
Self-doubt pops up depending on how you’re feeling, and someone can easily come in and break you down even more if you’re not careful.
Think about Cinderella for a second. Throughout the whole movie, she is treated like garbage by the people she calls family.
They definitely try their hardest to make her feel like she’s not good enough.
She still holds onto a little bit of hope that she deserves more than how she’s been treated.
And once she meets the prince, it’s such a relief to her for him to accept her exactly how she is.
I know I know, this is just a fairytale movie and it’s not the most realistic.
But, the premise of the story is accurate. The dark parts of Disney movies often reflect the dark parts of life.
And what happened to Cinderella with her family is what happens often to people in real life.
Maybe you’ve been treated a certain way for so long and you just never learned how to actually feel good about yourself.
Why You Don’t Feel Good Enough
I might not know exactly why you feel the way you do, because everyone goes through different experiences in life that morph them into who they are.
But, there are a few common things that often cause people to not feel good enough.
1. Family
Family members usually have the best intentions at heart, but they can easily make you feel not good enough.
You probably trust your family, or at least did at one point. They are the closest people to you until you’re 18 (because you don’t really have any other choice 🙂 )
18 years is a long time to be influenced by your family, and what they say and think about you can impact you much further down the road in your life.
This can lead to feeling not good enough because you don’t measure up in your family’s eyes.
2. Relationships
If you have certain people in your life who take advantage of you, they might be causing you to not feel good enough.
Whether it’s an intimate relationship or your best friend, these relationships can become toxic if the people you’re around don’t fully accept you for who you are.
Think about the closest people to you. Do they support you no matter what? Or do they constantly bring you down and judge you for living your life?
Negative energy can eventually break you down and make you question everything you do. Pay attention to the relationships around you and see if they’re toxic or not.
3. Society
Society says you are supposed to look, think, and act a certain way to appear “cool” and be accepted by other people.
The ads you see on TV and in magazines can mess with your subconscious, making you think you need to change who you are in order for someone to love you.
This stuff is honestly just a ploy for you to buy the things that will make you feel “good enough”. It’s just a mind trick marketers like to play on people, so they can make money.
Don’t listen to society when it’s telling you to change who you are. Who you are right now is enough.
4. Yourself
You can easily become your own worst enemy once you stop believing in yourself.
The toll society and people take on your confidence can quickly make you feel not good enough.
And if you don’t fully believe in yourself, you’ll eventually start to think that everyone else is right. Or that you should change who you are to please other people.
Who you are doesn’t mean you’re flawed or that anything is wrong with you. It just means you haven’t figured out how to truly appreciate what you have to offer.
If you feel like you’re trying your best and it’s still not enough, something has to change.
Reflect on everything that has made you feel not good enough. Then begin to question that a lot. Question why.
15 Important Things to Do When You Don’t Feel Good Enough
1. Build up Your Mental Strength
Your own mentality decides what gets in and what doesn’t. What other people think and say about you doesn’t have to matter to you.
Building up your mental strength means becoming more resilient and fighting back against the negative thoughts inside your head.
Life is hard, so learning how to build up your mental strength can help you combat a lot of feelings of being insecure and not feeling good enough.
2. Get Rid of the Toxins in Your Life
Toxic people and things can keep you exactly where they want you: on the ground.
You can choose to let go of anything toxic in your life that isn’t providing you any happiness. These things don’t mean you’re not good enough to have them in your life.
If there is a person in your world making you question everything you do in your life, then move on without them. They are the ones who don’t deserve you, and they will only suck the life out of you with any chance they get.
Rid yourself of toxins and fill your life with things that encourage you to be exactly who you are.
3. Practice Working on Your Confidence
Being confident is a skill, it’s not something we are born with. Certain factors in your life can cause you to lose or gain confidence.
If you don’t have any confidence on your own, you will allow outside things to define who you are. Someone’s judgment of you may make you believe that’s who you are.
Building confidence means you get to decide who you are. You get to determine your future and grab hold of your life again.
Being confident makes you believe with all your heart that you are good enough for anything.
4. Seek out the Good-Hearted People of the World
There are a lot of people out there who do things just for their own benefit, without thinking twice about you.
But, there are also plenty of people who have big hearts and don’t judge. They allow you to be who you want to be, and they still choose to have you in their lives.
It’s because they don’t care what you do, as long as you treat them well they will return that kindness to you. They are there for you when you need it most.
Work on finding more of these people in your life. Stop trying to please people who are just not worth it. Let go of the people who can’t see your worth right now.
5. Understand That You Deserve Better
When you don’t feel good enough you believe you don’t deserve much in this world.
The truth is, no matter how you were brought up or what has happened to you in life, you deserve what you want just like anyone else.
Every person on this planet has an equal shot at a great life. It’s all about what you choose to do with your life to get there.
Start today by telling yourself “I deserve a great life. I deserve better. I deserve to have whatever I want because I am good enough.”
6. Know the Difference Between Conditional & Unconditional Love
It sucks, but some people will love you only conditionally. Once you do something they don’t approve of, they will love you a little less.
How messed up does that sound? Well, that’s because it is. And anyone who doesn’t know how to love you fully no matter what is the one who isn’t good enough for you.
You can’t be walking on eggshells all the time, just waiting for the next to screw up in this person’s eyes.
Move on from the people who only love you under their specific conditions. Seek out people who find your quirks admirable and who will always love you unconditionally.
7. Figure Out Your Strengths
You have a lot of strengths. You just have to work on finding those and using them to your advantage.
What are you good at? What have other people told you’re good at? What’s your favorite subject in school? Are you right-brained or left-brained?
Understanding yourself more and viewing your strengths in a new light will help make you feel good enough.
You’ll appreciate everything you are already capable of, and you might even wonder how could anyone not like you. Because you’re awesome!
8. Question Your Thoughts
Thoughts are honestly just thoughts. They hurt sometimes, and other times they make you feel great.
Your brain is incredibly powerful, and it will convince you you’re not good enough, even when you’re not aware of it.
You can start taking hold of some of the thoughts that come into your head when it feels like you’re not good enough.
What are they saying? Why do they hurt so bad?
Is there any truth to these thoughts? Why do you believe in them so strongly? How can you work on letting these thoughts go?
Question your thoughts until you reach a point of accepting them as just thoughts.
Just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s an absolute fact.
9. Open up Your Heart to Love
Stop thinking you’ll ruin every relationship because you just don’t think you’re good enough.
You deserve love, and there is someone out there who is looking for you.
But, they will never be able to find you if you close off your heart to love. Work on letting go of the fear of getting hurt.
Practice holding onto the light inside of you that believes there is love out there for you. Be open to it and allow it to come to you fully. Don’t hold back or question it.
10. Let Go of What the Past Has Done to You
Your past is a part of you, but it doesn’t define you.
It’s hard to let go of but holding onto it is part of what makes you feel not good enough. You’ve been burned before and are worried about making the same mistakes again.
Learn from what the past has taught you and be grateful for how it has turned you into the person you are today.
Then, let go of it. When a memory comes in, allow it to come and then go. You don’t have to become attached to this thought and allow it to ruin your whole day.
Move on from the past and enjoy the present.
11. Fill up Your Own Needs
You know how a car can’t go very far without gas? The same thing happens when you stop listening to your own needs.
When you don’t feel good enough, a lot of the time you’re trying to fix things externally by trying to make other people happy or become a perfectionist.
One of the truest ways you can start feeling good enough is by listening to your own needs and then filling your life up with those.
When you ignore your own needs, you can’t be there for other people. And you can easily lose sight of who you are, allowing negative self-talk to take over and make you feel weaker than you are.
12. Become Your Own Best Friend
Talk to yourself as you would your best friend. Compliment yourself when you see your reflection in the mirror.
Spend time alone doing things you enjoy. Work on finding yourself.
Please start being kind to yourself, because, at the end of the day, you are all you have.
There shouldn’t be any reason to tear yourself down. No matter what you have believed in the past.
Respect who you are, what your beliefs are, and the way you want to live your life. Support yourself so that you can actually enjoy the life you want.
13. Write Down How You’re Feeling in a Journal, Then Read it Back to Yourself
It helps to get a new perspective by writing down your thoughts. What’s going on in your mind?
Write down in a journal what makes you believe you’re not good enough, then read it back.
Once it’s out of your head, it’s usually easier to process. You can come face to face with those negative thoughts, and then begin to release them.
Usually, when those thoughts are out, you can then start to see that they don’t have as much value as you thought they did.
14. Forgive Anyone Who’s Done You Wrong
Spend time forgiving the people who have made you feel like you’re not good enough.
The truth is, if anyone has ever made you feel that way that means something is wrong with them. They wanted to tear you down in order to feel better about themselves.
This is where you can work on forgiving them for what they have done to you. Not so much for their benefit, but for yours.
Once you can learn to forgive the people who have done you wrong, you can begin to move on and stop giving them so much power over you.
15. Stop the Self-Hate
At the end of the day, it all comes down to you. How you view yourself, and how much power you give to other’s opinions about yourself.
If you love to play the victim to get the necessary attention you desire, work on changing that.
It’s time to come to terms with yourself and take control of your life again. I get what it’s like to never feel good enough for people or for anything in life.
It sucks, but I’ve also learned that I hold that key to my own worth. You do, too.
You get to decide who comes into your life. And you can choose to believe that you deserve more than you have right now.
No one else can make you feel less than if you don’t allow it. Stick to your guns and start believing in your awesomeness a little more.
Move on from the people who don’t support you and remove the toxins from your life.
Trust me, once you decide to take a stand for your life you will start to see your life quickly change for the better.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Feb 1, 2018 | Self-Confidence
Let’s chat about some ways to build confidence at work.
Recently I shared some tips for what to do when you have anxiety at work. That article may help you too!
But today I want to add on to that, by discussing ways to build confidence for yourself in your job. Especially if it’s a new job which you are just starting.
Because for sure, that can be pretty terrifying all on its own, if you aren’t mentally prepared. It doesn’t have to be scary. Here’s how to fake it till you make it.
How To Build Confidence At Work
Starting a new job is always exciting. You finally get the call that you got your dream job and you’re walking on clouds.
Holy crap! This is it! This is when everything starts falling into place. Your life is coming together, and the door is opening for endless possibilities.
Then the first day at your new job arrives, and you’re scared to death. Why the hell did you want to get a new job? This is not exciting anymore… it’s freaking scary.
With palms sweating and heart racing, you’re just sure you’re gonna mess something up. First days of everything are the hardest.
The first day of high school, the first day of college, and now the first day at your new job. You know you can get through it, but the unknown is also terrifying.
It’s totally natural to get scared when you’re starting something new. That’s partly what makes it so exciting! And once you get your feet wet, it ends up not so bad. Fortunately, we adapt to change quickly.
Whenever I start a new job, I always remind myself that it’s just temporary. This fear of trying something new will go away in a few days, and then I’ll wonder why I was so scared of it in the first place.
The unknown can be crippling, but it’s usually never as bad as we make it out to be.
Telling myself this usually helps, but it doesn’t always prevent me from totally messing something up. And if you do get scared on your first day, just think about my first day on the job. I showed up twenty minutes late to my first job after trying to take a shortcut and spilled a little bit of coffee on my pants…. very professional.
So just keep in mind that you will get over that initial first-day hump. Even if it’s scary, it’s just another day that will pass.
How to prepare for your first day at a new job.
I’ve found that being prepared helps in general. Whether that’s getting up to talk in front of a large group of people or going out on a first date. During those moments, you probably stand in front of the mirror and practice what you’re going to say.
I say do the same for a new job! Gather as much information as you can during the interview process. That way you can pretty much know what to expect on that first day. At the same time, avoid preparing too much.
You don’t want to psyche yourself out. The weekend before you start, you can spend twenty minutes preparing what you might have to talk about.
Like answering questions about what job you worked at before, where you went to school, all that small talk jazz. And then… let it go. Staying prepared helps your confidence.
But, there are things you can’t prepare for cause you don’t know what the future holds… if only! This is where that saying comes in “Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t.”
Take that much-needed break.
As an introvert, I need time to myself to recharge. Devoting 40 hours of my time a week to a job drains my energy. Really, talking to someone for twenty minutes is enough for my WHOLE week. Yep, I’m that weirdo who prefers playing Zelda over talking to anyone.
So, when I start a new job, I typically try to take a few extra days off in between to ease the transition. Starting a new job is super exciting, but it’s also stressful. And it takes a toll on your body, like being too nervous to sleep or eat the day before.
If you’re going from one job to the next with only a two-day weekend in between, it might not be enough time to fully prepare. Not everyone can take a week break in between jobs (because of bills), but even if you can give your two weeks’ notice to end on a Wednesday or Thursday before starting that next Monday can help.
Our jobs take up over half of our time, which is difficult when you need time to buy new clothes, find new office notebooks, and just mentally prepare for a new work environment.
That’s why I think taking an extra few days (or weeks if you can!) to cleanse yourself of your old job and start fresh with a new one can help out a lot.
You’ll feel more confident to knock out that first day, and if you have a long enough break, you’ll be eager to start working again.
Find your rockstar outfit.
If I end up wearing something that is uncomfortable at work, I can’t. Stop. Focusing on it. This means I am not listening to anyone around me… not the best way to make a good first impression.
If I had the option, I’d wear sweatpants and my favorite sweatshirt at all times during the day. But since you have to be somewhat professional looking at work, the right outfit is super important. Wear something that you don’t have to worry about, that fits well.
What I mean by that is a shirt that doesn’t ride up when you sit down or isn’t too low-cut. And pants or jeans that fit just right and don’t suffocate your stomach when you sit down.
A perfect outfit will make you feel extra confident walking into your first day at work. Read this guide on how to create a capsule wardrobe.
Some things to consider when choosing your outfit:
- Bring a sweater. Office temperatures are so wishy-washy. One day it’s too hot, the next it’s too cold. Unless that’s just me going through hot flashes, in which case I need to see a doctor. Bring a sweater you don’t mind leaving at work and put it on your chair. If you’re super sensitive to temperatures like me, a sweater is an easy solution.
- Don’t wear white. Be careful about choosing an all-white shirt. From personal experience, any time I’ve ever worn a white shirt to work, I drop something on it. And it’s 10 times more difficult to try to remove a stain from a white shirt than it is a dark shirt! Who would’ve thought?
- Wear comfy pants. I have a very sensitive stomach and when I choose to wear skinny jeans that cut off my circulation, my stomach pays for it and starts yelling loud Shamu sounds (let’s be real, this happens even when I’m wearing sweats, too. Damn you stomach.) I love the stretchy skinny jeans that come in different colors. I usually get mine at Ross for like $12. They are professional-looking but still flattering and super comfy, especially if you sit at a desk all day.
Get a gold star. Arrive early.
Stressing about time on your first day is the last thing you want to worry about. Since you are most likely going to be pretty stressed already, make sure you have enough time to get to work, deal with parking, figure out who you should talk to, etc.
When you had your interview, it was most likely during the day in between rush hour. So it might have only taken twenty minutes to get there without traffic, but if you work at rush hour times you’ll want to plan ahead. You can never go wrong with being early, so give yourself an extra twenty minutes or so.
Don’t be like me.
Write that down.
You’ll get a lot of information on the first day. Meeting new people and remembering their names, plus learning all the new rules.
Keeping a notebook handy will help you remember certain things. Again, the first day might be a little nerve-wracking, which makes it hard to fully focus on what’s going on.
It’s happened to me before when I’m told what days of the month I get my paycheck, and I completely forget because I’m too nervous to remember anything.
With this in mind, if you don’t remember everything on your first day don’t sweat it. I’ve been at jobs before where I never learned certain people’s names, and I was there for a year— and I survived.
Where’s the bathroom?
Ask questions. It doesn’t matter how small or big your questions are. Where’s the bathroom? When is my break? What time do I get off? Think of any question you have, and make sure to ask the right person. That’s usually the one who is helping you throughout the day.
Asking the right questions also shows that you are genuinely interested in your job, and you care to make a good impression. Even if you are super quiet on your first day, you can write down a few questions in advance to ask.
Prepare for lunch…with your co-workers.
This is a typical friendly gesture of your new co-workers. They want to make you feel welcome and get to know you more. If you’re anything like me, going out to lunch with a group of strangers is… something I’d never voluntarily do. If you’re prepared, you can power through it.
You can write down a list of questions you want to ask, and pretend that you’re comfortable in situations like those, even if you’re not. The truth is, it’s awkward for everyone, even the employees who have been there for years. So just pretend you’re a confident badass, and no one will be able to tell the difference!
- Just like I said earlier, starting anything new is tough. But, you have a reason for starting a new job and the cool part is that you do have a new job to look forward to!
With these things in mind, you’ll be able to fully prepare for your first day and be well on your way to taking the next step in your career. Which, I’ll admit is a great feeling.
If you are ready to make some changes in your life, enroll in my training series Refine Your Life Purpose.
