by The Lovely Refinement Team | Aug 6, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
If you are an empath (or someone who takes on other people’s emotions) you know how draining it can be.
I’ve taken on people’s emotions my whole life. I grew up as the youngest of 6 kids, so knowing how to not piss everyone off was something I learned early on.
Growing up, my Mom struggled with depression and there were days when she never left her bed.
Every morning I determined how the day was going to go based on her mood.
If she was slamming dishes in the kitchen sink, we knew to stay in our rooms.
And if she was blasting music and singing around the house, it was a good day.
Some people’s emotions are so strong they can truly dictate and rule parts of who you are.
Sometimes even without you knowing it, someone’s bad attitude can leave you feeling annoyed and frustrated. You can feel responsible for other’s pain, which is an unnecessary burden to carry.
If you tend to take on other’s emotions, you may also struggle with anxiety and/or depression. As you try to be there for everyone it can become stressful and leave you feeling like you aren’t doing enough to help the people around you.
And as we become adults it’s hard to be in relationships and even have a job where you don’t constantly feel sensitive to every emotion around you.
I still struggle to this day trying to figure it all out. There is a fine line between caring too much and not caring at all.
And it’s hard to figure out where that line is.
If you’re someone who takes on other people’s emotions, you’re either all in or you’re out.
But, it is possible to teach yourself a balance between the two. Where you can still empathize with other people, but you don’t have to fully take on their emotions.
You can still be caring and kind to others without letting it completely mess with your emotions.
With all this said, I want to remind you that being sensitive to other people’s emotions is a very good thing!
It allows you to be more in tune and know when something is up before anyone else does.
I personally have built very strong connections with people because I know when someone is upset and help them work through it. And it just makes you a very caring person overall.
You can still be this way without letting all of these emotions flood into your life.
Setting emotional boundaries can give you the right balance of caring and being there for people.
Understand That You Might Not Always Know Everyone’s True Emotions
Something that helped me was when my boyfriend would get upset, and then I would follow.
He would ask me “Why are you getting so upset?” and I would say because he was.
He then said, “I’m not upset. I’m a little irritated because I had a tough day, but I’m actually ok.”
I tried so hard to pay attention to the cues he was giving me, and I realized I was way wrong.
Sometimes it’s all in our heads, based on how we perceive other people. If someone looks upset, you may start to believe they are.
But, there is no way to know unless you ask them. Otherwise, you may just be making stuff up in your head.
Also, what you might think they feel over what they truly feel may be off. You might think about how you’d feel in their situation, but it won’t always match how they do.
This realization has truly helped me understand it more. Because since I am not that person, I can’t just say I know exactly what they are feeling.
And their feelings might not be nearly as sensitive as yours.
So, when you are around people understand that it’s possibly you who is assuming what other people are feeling.
Practice Being Aware of How You Feel in These Situations
Instead of taking on the other person’s pain, focus on how it makes you feel.
You might feel stressed out or concerned for them. Or you want to empathize with them because you would want someone to do that for you.
If you aren’t fully in tune with how others are feeling, it might make you feel guilty.
Pay close attention to how it truly makes you feel, and not just how you’re trying to take on their emotions.
Sometimes we think we need to be more sensitive to things and care more.
I am definitely the type to try to put myself in other people’s shoes and I want to feel the same pain to understand it more.
And you may feel you have gone through something similar, and wish to take on their pain so they don’t have to. Because you feel strong enough to do it.
But, everyone has to go through their own hardships in order to grow. No matter how badly you may want to, you can’t take away other people’s pain and experiences they are supposed to go through.
Stay Away from Emotionally Draining People
Some people are leeches. They see that you care, and they take advantage of it by sucking up everything you have to give them.
This is how some people stay playing the victim and get away with doing the bare minimum in life.
They stick to empaths like glue, because empaths will always be there to help them.
But, these types of people can quickly drain you of anything you have left to offer. Leaving you feeling resentful and annoyed.
Every relationship in your life should have a 50/50 ratio. Where you make an effort to show up, give and receive. The other person in the relationship does the same thing.
There are equal amounts of give and take with both parties.
That’s why relationships require a little bit of work, and certain people aren’t willing to put in that work.
The leeches in the world will only take what you have to give and won’t give anything back. And if you try to set boundaries with them, they will fight you on it.
When you take on other people’s emotions, this can become a challenge because you want to give to as many people as possible.
Some people just don’t deserve it, until they are willing to put in that work too. So, work on filling your life up with people who show up and make an effort in your life.
These people won’t ask you to take the burden on their emotions.
This way, you won’t get drained and you will have strong people in your life who can take care of themselves.
Let People Know You Care, but Get Distance if it Becomes too Much
In order to set emotional boundaries, you have to listen to yourself.
Fully taking on other people’s emotions isn’t healthy, because it just causes you to feel bad, when you really shouldn’t.
What’s important is to tell whoever it is that is having a hard time that you are there for them.
Be fully engaged with them, listen carefully, and empathize.
But, don’t let it completely take over your emotions. Practice telling yourself, I am here for this person and I will talk them through it, but I won’t allow myself to get absorbed in the same feelings.
If you have the right people in your life, it becomes much easier to set these boundaries. These people won’t rely on you all of the time to pull them out of their bad moods.
Set limits. If your best friend is upset about a guy cheating on her, be there for her. Set up a night to talk about it and be a supportive friend.
Then, move forward. If she continues to talk about it for weeks, work on setting a boundary with her.
This can also help her in moving on with her life. Because when we enable the behavior, it’s much easier to keep doing it.
If you set a limit, people will respect that and they can work on moving on with their own lives.
Work on Taking Care of Yourself
As a woman, it’s all too simple to put people before myself. I don’t need much, and would rather give more than receive.
But, this can start playing into your own self-worth and how you think of yourself.
Taking on other people’s emotions can be a result of you not believing in yourself enough. You base your mood off of other people because you aren’t sure how you feel.
Or you rely on others so much to determine your own value.
I learned from an early age that taking on other people’s emotions was a way for me to fit in with people. I did what they wanted, and ignored what I needed.
And, if you have a tendency to be an empath, you most likely ignore your own needs often.
So, work on taking care of yourself first. Before you can focus on taking care of anyone else.
You have to believe in yourself so you can stop letting other people’s emotions define you.
Practice self-care often, and do something every day for yourself. When your cup is full, it’s much easier to give to others. And it’s easier to set healthy boundaries.
I know that it’s easier said than done to stop taking on other people’s emotions. Trust me!
I still do it. And because you are sensitive to the world around you, you won’t reach a point where you completely stop.
But, you can get to a healthy spot where you are a great person because you care so much, but you also know where to set up a boundary.
This can keep you from taking on so many emotions around you. Just like with anything, it starts with you and having the confidence to put yourself first over anything else.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jul 28, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Journaling is one of many ways to help naturally reduce your anxiety. Writing is a form of therapy where you can focus on getting all of your thoughts out of your head.
This helps you create clarity and gives you a different perspective on your thoughts. Usually, when we’re so wrapped up in our thoughts, we lose sight of what’s real from what isn’t.
Your thoughts form your reality. That’s why writing everything out in a journal is a great way to get out of your head.
20 Journal Prompts That Help Combat Anxiety
When I went through my first serious break up, I was a mess. I could barely eat, or sleep and I cried often. Next to my family, journaling helped get me out of a very dark place.
I wrote every single day in a simple college-ruled notebook. The thoughts I felt, what I believed at the time, and I shined a light on all the demon thoughts.
Journaling has always made my hardest days easier. And it’s a great form of self-care. When you write out your thoughts, you learn to become your own best friend. Because you see the bad thoughts and realize you don’t truly believe them once they are out in the open. As you journal, you start to become nicer to yourself because you see how hard on yourself you’re being.
How Journaling Helps Your Anxiety
As with most mental exercises that help relieve anxiety symptoms, journaling seems too simple. Just writing out your thoughts on a piece of paper doesn’t seem like enough to relieve the anxious thoughts floating around in your head.
But, it really does work. Just think back to when you were in High School and you might have had a diary, or a blog, to help get your thoughts out. Journaling takes the thoughts bubbling up in your mind and puts them out into the world.
The words you write down on paper shine a light on the dark and dreary thoughts in your head. It’s almost as if once those thoughts are out in the real world, the power of them vanishes. Your thoughts are easier to face when you can see them right in front of you. Trying to solve everything in your head is like trying to solve a difficult math problem. And working on writing in a journal daily will help tremendously with keeping you in line with yourself.
This is a great solution, whether you have a therapist or not, or if you don’t feel comfortable talking to other people about your thoughts.
Sometimes, we believe that what we think is so serious and the end of the world, so getting it out on paper will diminish those feelings.
How to Start Journaling To Combat Anxiety Today
If you really want to work on your anxiety, I would highly suggest journaling. Even if you hate it at first. Your anxious thoughts might tell you that it’s not worth it, or that it won’t actually help.
But, I’m sure you would rather have days where you felt better than give in to those negative thoughts. And journaling will get you there.
So, how do you start? And how often should you do it? It’s simple!
Either grab a cheap notebook or find a cute journal that inspires you. It doesn’t have to be fancy. You can keep it on your nightstand so you can write in it every night and document your day.
Or, you can keep it with you throughout the day so you can write down your thoughts anytime you’re feeling anxious. This is a good way to figure out your triggers. It really doesn’t matter what time of day or how often you should do it.
As long as you take a few minutes out of each day to write down your thoughts and reflect on how you’re feeling. If you have a really good day, still document it. Write down the things that went well and what made you happy.
- Using a journal can help you keep track of how your mood is throughout the day.
- It can also be a great way to reflect on how far you’ve come.
What I like to do is set a reminder on my phone for a time every day that I know I won’t be busy. At around 8 pm at night. That way I can take 15 minutes and just get it all out there.
At first, it might feel weird for you, if you’ve never done it before. But, it gets easier. And after a few days, you will definitely notice a difference. And, at the beginning, you might need to take more time to write down all of the thoughts that have been forming in your head.
Here are 20 Journal Prompts to Help You Get Started:
- Write about your week so far. What are some good and bad things that have happened?
- What are the top components of a perfect day for you?
- List the ways you’ve changed for the better.
- Write down 3 major changes you need to make in your life right now.
- Write down all of the people who love you for who you truly are.
- List all of the qualities you like most in yourself.
- Write down everything you would try if you weren’t so afraid.
- What are the best things your parents taught you about living life?
- What do you feel most anxious about right now?
- What would you like to be remembered for?
- What are some major things you’ve overcome in life?
- Think about what triggers your anxiety. Write it down and come up with ways to overcome the trigger.
- What do you want to accomplish within the next year? What’s holding you back from accomplishing it? How will you succeed?
- What was the most challenging part of today? How did you get through it?
- Write down 10 things you’re grateful for right now
- What are some things you are really good at?
- Think about the happiest moments in your life. What happened and why were they so great?
- Was there a time as a child when you felt scared or hurt? Write down that moment. Then, write down what your adult self would say to comfort your younger self.
- Write down 5 kind things to say to yourself every day
- Who are the closest people to you? Write down who they are and why they are so important.
These are just a few of the many journaling prompts that can help in managing your anxiety.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jul 17, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
If you have anxiety, you know what it’s like when it hits unexpectedly.
Your day could be going along just fine, but then you come across a trigger and instantly feel anxious.
Or you wake up in the morning just not feeling quite right.
No matter when it hits, knowing how to manage your anxiety is essential.
Using medication is a common way to help with relieving anxiety symptoms.
But, what if you can’t afford medication, don’t like how it makes you feel, or want to try a different approach?
It’s definitely possible to reduce anxiety naturally.
The only thing is it will require more effort, and a commitment to working at it.
I’ve had moments in my life where I really didn’t want to be put on medication and couldn’t afford a therapist.
I normally do suggest seeing a therapist who has the right tools to guide you, especially if you have a lot of anxiety.
But, I understand the complications that come with finding the right therapist and the money it takes.
So, here are some ways you can naturally reduce anxiety that are affordable, too!
Eat Right
What you eat everyday matters.
It can definitely affect your anxiety levels, in a few different ways.
Partly from the hormones in your body reacting badly to certain foods.
And, partly how you feel about food personally.
A lot of people have food anxiety and for good reason!
We are often pulled in twenty different directions when we’re told what the right thing is to eat.
Try to keep it as simple as possible for yourself.
The moment you start making it complicated is when you get confused and eventually give up on trying to have it all figured out.
Start by increasing the amount of water you drink every day. Dehydration causes a number of issues, including feeling fatigued.
When you don’t have energy, that could make you anxious and eventually lead to depression.
Then move on to fruits and vegetables.
As you focus more on putting the right foods into your body, you will notice a difference in how you feel.
This isn’t about losing weight or eating less than you usually do.
It’s just about eating the right foods that make dealing with your anxiety much more manageable.
Related: Top 10 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Stressed
Increase Your Vitamin Intake
If you’re focusing on eating right, you’ll most likely meet the daily requirements for nutrients.
But, sometimes our specific diets make us deficient with certain vitamins which can affect our anxiety.
Some common deficiencies are Magnesium and Iron. Especially if you’re vegan/vegetarian.
Iron can make you feel fatigued, light-headed, and weak.
Magnesium can also affect your energy levels and is scientifically shown to reduce anxiety.
These are some simple changes you can make daily to help improve your energy levels and lower levels of anxiety.
Take Action Every Day
Anxiety prevents you from trying new things. It also can convince you to stop doing the things you do on a daily basis.
Listening to your anxiety makes the most sense, because you feel scared when you do things out of your comfort zone.
But, if you listen to your anxiety too much, you stop doing things.
When you stop trying, that’s when depression starts.
That’s why taking action is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.
I understand that it sucks.
But, even if it’s just going outside for a 10-minute walk, that’s doing something.
You can’t let your anxiety completely take over.
That’s why taking steps every day towards ignoring those powerful thoughts will help reduce your anxiety.
Choose 3 things every day to try, even if your brain is telling you no. Do it anyway, no matter how you feel.
Get outside, cook a meal, clean the house, or just blast some music and dance around your room.
These small movements make a huge difference in fighting against your anxiety.
Try Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT)
CBT focuses on retraining your negative thoughts and turning them into positive ones.
Once you learn to change your thinking, you then focus on changing your behavior.
The cool part is CBT is something you can start doing today, in the comfort of your own home.
There are numerous books out there about how to use it to help manage your anxiety.
It’s proven to be very effective in helping with common mental health struggles, especially anxiety.
CBT also brings positive results quickly and provides you the right tools to work through your anxiety going forward.
CBT is what a lot of therapists use to help their clients through mental roadblocks.
If you’re interested in learning more about CBT, here are two books I have tried and recommend (by the same author):
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple: 10 Strategies for Managing Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic, and Worry
Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness goes hand in hand with CBT. The books above also focus on the importance of mindfulness.
Being mindful helps keep you in the present moment, instead of letting your brain wander to dark thoughts.
Mindfulness doesn’t always mean meditation, even though that’s one way to do it.
You can also practice with yoga, deep breathing techniques, or while you are busy doing other things.
Anytime you can think of it, work on being present in the moment around you.
What do you hear?
What do you smell?
What do you feel?
This allows you to stay in reality and appreciate the moment for what it is.
We are often caught up in our thoughts. They control what we do and how we react to things.
But, the power of being in the moment will give you control.
It will also help you see that nothing is really that big of a deal and that all of the thoughts floating around in your head are just that… thoughts.
They don’t need to mean something every time.
Talk to Someone Close
It’s always important to reach out to others when you aren’t feeling your best.
If you’re an over-thinker (like me!), you can easily convince yourself of anything.
That could mean talking yourself down, devaluing your self-worth, or wondering what the point of your existence is.
That’s why getting out and talking to someone you trust is always a good idea.
Other people can get you out of your head. And it helps to know someone else understands.
If you don’t have anyone close you can talk to about how you’re feeling, I definitely recommend reaching out to a therapist.
I personally use BetterHelp and recommend it to anyone who needs to talk to a professional about their mental health.
BetterHelp is an online counseling platform that will connect you with a counselor who has knowledge of what you’re going through.
Start a Work-Out Routine
Ok, let’s be honest. Working out isn’t always the best option.
It takes so much energy to just get up and face another day, so working out sometimes sounds impossible.
Trust me, I know.
But, working out does help.
It’s not something that will work right away. Just like anything on this list, it requires work and patience to see a difference.
But, getting your body and blood moving helps in numerous ways.
Including improving your mindset, reducing anxiety levels, and just overall feeling better about yourself.
Exercising doesn’t have to be about losing weight and getting into great shape.
If you can go in with a different mindset, it might motivate you to work at it.
Think of working out as another way to help your mental health, and that’s all you’re doing it for.
Taking a 30 minute walk every day or doing HIIT 3 times a week will help.
You could even try a 21-Day Fitness challenge to help motivate you. Some people like challenges.
I would just suggest finding other ways to stay motivated after the challenge is up, possibly by starting another challenge.
If you’re intimidated about going to the gym, try to find a friend who’s willing to go with you for the first couple of times.
Related: How to Deal With Anxiety at the Gym
Distract Yourself
When in doubt, work on distracting yourself from your thoughts.
You don’t have to be drowning in them 24/7, and there are healthy distractions out there.
Avoid unhealthy distractions, like drinking or partying, because they will only make your mentality worse.
If you’re stuck at home alone, try putting on some headphones and playing good music.
I know that when I have music blasting in my ears, I can’t focus too much on what I’m thinking about.
Or go hang out with some friends, read a new book, start a new hobby, or hang out and watch a new Netflix show.
I used to think that any distraction wasn’t healthy for relieving my anxiety. I just thought I had to suffer through it and work on my bad thoughts.
This only created more bad thoughts, though. And now I’m realizing that healthy distractions are great for an anxious mind.
Usually, we are just too wrapped up in our thoughts to feel okay about chilling out for a little bit.
When it comes to your anxiety, you have to take it easy sometimes.
Anxiety is draining, and it takes a lot of effort to work on it. That’s why taking breaks is important and going easy on yourself will help.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jul 9, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
Do you ever find that when your house is a mess, you go into panic mode?
Dirty dishes in the sink, socks and shoes everywhere, and dog hair piling up on the staircase. It’s one thing if your house occasionally gets messy, and you can go through and easily clean everything up.
But, clutter is when your house becomes increasingly dirty, filling up with piles of stuff here and there.
Until the whole room is one huge mess.
For most people, it doesn’t take much (or long) for their house to get messy.
And it multiplies with every person living in your home.
And if you can’t keep up with it consistently, it can become a much bigger problem.
Reasons Clutter Causes Anxiety
There are a lot of reasons why clutter can cause anxiety or make your anxiety worse.
When you see large messes around your house, it’s difficult to know where to begin.
You can get overwhelmed when there is just too much stuff in your home.
Also, a lot of the things you own may have a strong sentimental value to you.
Making it difficult to get rid of things that are just adding to the clutter.
Living in a messy environment can increase your stress levels, and make you feel guilty about the way you’re living.
It can also make it very difficult to focus on more important things that you need to tend to.
A cluttered life can affect a lot of areas in your life, like your work, relationships, and your mental health.
Which makes sense as to why it causes anxiety.
So, is it possible to fix it? Absolutely!
How to Quickly Get Rid of Clutter
Start with One Room at a Time
Have you ever gone through the house, pulling out everything at once so you can get around to cleaning it?
This actually makes it a lot harder to tackle clutter.
Start with just one room, like your bedroom.
Go through your closet and take out all of your old clothes you don’t wear anymore.
Think about how long it’s been since you’ve worn something, and if it’s longer than 6 months, put it in a box.
Cleaning up one room at a time is very manageable because you can take a small break once you’re done and reward yourself for getting it out of the way.
It will also motivate you to keep moving forward, which is important when you feel anxious.
You don’t want to get so overwhelmed that you just give up and let your anxiety take over.
Let Go of the Things You Don’t Use Anymore
I know it’s hard to let go of things that remind us of our childhood, or someone we care about.
But, holding onto everything people give us just isn’t possible.
Unless you have a really big house with lots of storage.
Go through all of your old things that you don’t use anymore. Things that are only still around for sentimental value.
Hold onto the things that are very important to you but work on letting go of the things that are just taking up too much space.
Like stuffed animals, CDs, or clothes. Anything that really isn’t useful anymore.
Try to consolidate the things you want to keep into one or two small bins, so they are easy to store.
Take 20 Minutes and go Through All of the Piles of Paperwork
We often hold onto old bills, receipts, and pieces of paper that take up A LOT of space.
And these pieces of paper easily start to pile up in random places around the house.
I always hold onto receipts for way too long, until it’s 3 months later and way passed the 30-day refund window.
Set a timer on your phone and gather up all of the paperwork you have laying around.
Spend 20 minutes sorting stuff out, then take a break. Hopefully, you’ll be close to done by that point.
Once you have your paperwork organized, your mind will feel a lot calmer.
Sometimes the paperwork we have is very important, and it’s helpful to know exactly where it is. Put them away in folders in your office so you will always know where they are and ease your mind.
Go Through and Find What You Can Sell
If you really struggle to get rid of all the clutter in your house, posting things up for sale on Craigslist can help.
This will give you a little motivation to make some extra money, and clear out your home.
Especially if you find it difficult to get rid of certain things, selling them might make it a little easier.
You could even set up a garage sale for next Saturday. This makes it very easy to get rid of things, while making a profit!
Sometimes selling things online can take a little time, so it’s not the quickest option, but even if you list your larger items on Craigslist for free, somebody will want it.
This will help get it off your hands and clear up some of the clutter.
Get Help from Your Family/Friends
If you live with other people, it’s important to have house rules.
This way, everyone can be held accountable and you can stay more organized.
You can’t be expected to always clean up after everyone else, or that will just make your anxiety worse.
This is an easy way to develop a victim mentality because you’ll try hard at first, but then give up.
And eventually, you’ll just ask yourself “What’s the point?” and let the clutter continue to grow.
Sit down with whoever you live with and come up with a weekly chore list that both of you can stick to.
Once those items are identified, stick the list to the fridge and work on holding each other accountable.
This will make it much easier to manage your house and live in a clutter-free environment.
Spend 15 Minutes a Day Focused on De-Cluttering
We often have busy lives, with full-time jobs, keeping up relationships, and working out.
Cleaning your home feels like a pain, especially if you have to designate a big chunk of your Saturday cleaning up.
And it’s easy to just skip it and use that time to do something fun.
But, that can increase your anxiety because you don’t give yourself time to focus on de-cluttering.
And if you don’t manage the clutter, it will continue to get worse.
Instead, take 15 minutes out of each day (possibly right when you get home from work) to tackle one item.
That could be vacuuming, doing the dishes, cleaning a bathroom, or anything else on your chores list.
This way once the weekend hits you will only have one or two things to do, and can use the rest of your time to do something fun!
Your house will stay clean and organized most of the time using this method. If you can keep up with this and just spend a few minutes each day, your house will never get too cluttered.
Set Up a Reward System
If your house is a cluttered mess, and you really don’t even want to clean any of it, come up with a reward system.
This is also helpful if you have kids.
We are much more motivated to do things we hate when there is an awesome reward waiting at the end.
Tell yourself that if you clean the whole upstairs and get rid of the clutter, you can go out to a special dinner with your boyfriend.
Or spend the rest of the day relaxing, watching Netflix.
Leaving your clutter to just sit there makes you feel guilty and unorganized.
And if you just gave yourself the reward without cleaning up first, you’d continue to feel guilty.
This way, you can work hard on getting rid of the clutter in your home and then have something exciting to look forward to afterward.
A reward system is helpful if you are anxious about clutter because it makes it an enjoyable experience.
Not just something that feels like you’re getting teeth pulled.
And after a while, your brain will start to associate cleaning and organizing as a fun experience, because you get a good reward at the end.
That will make it easier for you to get motivated and stick with it every week.
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jun 28, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
We all have our insecurities with our bodies.
Whether that’s crooked teeth, a flabby stomach, or hairy arms.
It seems like there’s always something we could change about ourselves.
When you are constantly chasing after an unrealistic version of yourself, you begin to lose sight of who you are right now.
Filling up with self-doubt, because you aren’t proud of who you are at the moment.
Not until you lose 15 pounds or have longer hair.
Why is it that we find it so hard to accept who we are right now?
Without learning how to love & accept your body, you can start to hate everything about who you are.
And once you convince yourself you have so much to work on and change, it becomes that much harder to let go.
What Causes Body Image Issues?
There are a variety of things that can affect your body image.
Things like:
- Being criticized by a family member or significant other about your weight
- Looking in magazines or on TV and seeing unrealistic body types
- Scrolling through Instagram and seeing someone else living an amazing life
- Not knowing how to trust and love yourself as a young adult
- Traumatizing events happening in your life and feeling out of control
- Getting made fun of in school about what you look like
Society teaches us at an early age that what we look like is important.
And how attractive we are determines our value to others.
Which is how you can become obsessed about how you look and how much you weigh.
So, how can you learn to accept and love your body as it is right now?
1. Listen to What Your Body Needs
If you have become very used to ignoring what your body needs, this could be a challenge.
You might think you “have” to go to the gym every day and eat super healthy to have the right body type.
But, that’s not what everyone needs on a daily basis. Sometimes, you need to rest.
Or you need chocolate.
When you learn how to listen to what you need, over what you “should do”, you learn how to accept yourself.
Stop ignoring your body. Stop forcing it to do things it doesn’t want or need.
Listen to what it’s telling you.
Become more in tune with yourself, and you’ll stop listening to everything else.
2. Stop Letting Your Weight Define You
Your weight and body do not define who you are.
They make up a part of you, but there is so much more to who you are.
Sure, some people care more about what you look like than how you act as a person.
But, those people are shallow.
Stop hanging out with those people.
Focus on being a great person, caring for others, and practicing kindness.
You will bring so much positivity and support into your life, and you’ll forget about how important your weight is.
Because honestly, how much you weigh doesn’t mean anything.
Living a life you love, without obsessing over your body is what matters.
3. Break the Cycle
Learning how to love & accept your body is confusing.
There are so many rules that people make up.
“Make sure to eat healthily”, “Work out every day ”, “Find balance”, “Stay at a healthy weight”, “Eat dessert”, “Avoid carbs”, “Don’t obsess about food”
I swear anytime I go online, I find someone trying a new diet or venting about why diets don’t work.
It’s a messy little world.
And with so much misleading information, it’s how we begin to binge eat and become anxious around food.
Eating food shouldn’t have to be this complicated.
Break this cycle in your own life.
Stop making it so complex and focus on simplicity.
Eat when you’re hungry. Eat what you want in the moment.
Don’t limit yourself.
Eventually, by letting go of this terrible cycle, you will learn how to eat intuitively.
This means you know what your body wants, and fill it with what it needs, at the times it needs it.
Then, after a while, you will stop feeling so uncomfortable about food.
Food isn’t the enemy, it’s just what everyone makes up in their own minds about it that is.
4. Dance Around… Naked
The time I feel most comfortable in my body is when I spend time with it, totally naked.
Sounds weird, I know. But, you have to work with what you’ve got.
Embrace the fact that you have a body.
With working muscles and organs; a body that is giving you the ability to breathe right now.
You might not always enjoy it, and it might piss you off sometimes.
That’s OK. My boyfriend pisses me off a lot, but I still love him.
Even if it’s just in the shower, play some music and dance a little bit.
As you shave your legs, look at your body and appreciate it for what it is.
Be grateful for your curves and all of the beautiful things about them that are only unique to you.
5. Let Go of Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparing yourself to others is a time waster.
Especially since, if you really look around, everyone else has their own insecurities.
Just because they have a flat stomach doesn’t mean they aren’t insecure about their nose.
We all come with insecurities and things we wish we could change.
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
That’s just life.
So, let go of comparing yourself to others. In all aspects of your life, not just with your body.
It’s pointless and it doesn’t get you anywhere.
And, there are things about you that other people are envious of.
Learn how to love those things about yourself, be grateful for what you have, and focus on more important things.
6. Stop Dieting
Dieting always feels like a Catch-22.
You go on a diet to lose weight and avoid all of the bad things you normally eat.
Then once you’re done with the diet, you feel a little better and might have lost a couple of pounds.
But, you can’t stop thinking about the foods you used to eat.
Then, you eventually give in and tell yourself you’ll get back on the diet next week.
Why is this such a normal thing to do?
Does telling yourself “I’ll start my diet on Monday” help you validate yourself for eating the foods you consider bad?
And who determines those foods are “bad”?
Dieting is more of a mental thing than anything.
You convince yourself you need to do it to feel better about yourself.
To stay on track so no one can say you are unhealthy.
But, it’s having a strong negative impact on your body image.
Let go of dieting! Stop doing it!
If you want to focus on eating healthier, do that.
Don’t restrict yourself and get sucked into the diet fads.
Because they don’t work, and they just make you feel bad
7. Be Grateful for What Your Body Can Do
Stop thinking about all of the things you want to change about your body.
Think about what you already have.
A big booty? Strong legs? Arms that allow you to do anything?
Get down to the basics and be grateful for just having a functioning body.
If your weight is the only issue you have with your body, there are soo many other great qualities about your body that you’ve made invisible in your eyes.
Take a look in the mirror and evaluate the cool parts about yourself.
Practice this often, so you can start to see all of the good things within yourself.
8. Fill Your Body with the Right Food 
Eating the right food for your body will make you feel great and energized to take on the day.
This doesn’t mean only eating vegetables.
Think about the foods you really love, whether it’s a vegetable, fruit, or pizza.
The foods that just make you feel good and happy.
Work on bringing these foods into your diet. Get rid of the food you eat just to be healthy.
If you don’t like it, don’t eat it!
It’s all about moderation and balance in your diet.
Something I personally enjoy using is this guideline from MyPlate.
It tells you how much food to have on your plate for a balanced meal.
Then, I modify it from there. If I want to have dessert, I have some.
This way, you are getting the right nutrients for your body, but you aren’t obsessing over calories or avoiding carbs.
9. Give Yourself a Break
Stop trying to do everything and be super woman.
You already are super woman.
If you feel constant pressure to look a certain way, it will break you down eventually.
And trying to please or impress others is an impossible game to win.
It just causes too much stress, and it’s totally unnecessary.
Take a break and focus on the things you can control right now.
If you’re really concerned about your body, work on letting it go.
That could mean practicing meditation techniques to slow down your breathing.
Or, it could mean taking a nap.
Try to relax for a little bit and go easy on yourself.
You need it!
And if you can do this often (like every day), you’ll learn how to relax and stop caring so much about what your body looks like.
10. Have a Chat with Your Inner Critic
That inner critic of yours always has something to blab about.
Always talking you down and making you feel like you’re not good enough.
Well, it’s time to pull your inner critic to the side and have a heart to heart.
Confront your inner demons and tell them to stop harassing you so much.
Those negative thoughts piling up in your head are what makes it so difficult to accept your body.
You have to quiet them down and stop listening to everything they have to say.
Your thoughts are a part of you, and they are the most convincing.
Ignoring them isn’t the easiest thing to do.
But, whenever you hear your inner critic rambling on, tell her to just be quiet for a little bit.
Replace those bad thoughts with good ones.
Anytime you think “My butt is too big”, also think “But, I love it anyways.”
And if you don’t love those parts, tell yourself you “accept” them.
That way, you can learn to be okay with who you are.
11. Accept Every Part of Yourself (Even if you don’t love everything)
Acceptance is what will bring peace in your life.
Trying to change everything and fix every flaw will only bring chaos.
Work on accepting the things you know you can’t change.
Even if you think you can change them, let it go.
Don’t try to fix everything. Because there is no such thing as perfection.
You can always work on improving yourself and growing but don’t try to change the parts that make you you.
You don’t have to love every part of your body but work on accepting it.
I promise that learning acceptance will put you on the right track to enjoy your life more without obsessing over all of these things you cannot control.
12. Balance Out Your Social Media Feed
All of the social media platforms out there have an unrealistic view of what the real world looks like.
Instagram is notorious for making things look way better than they are.
Anyone can filter a photograph or pose at a specific angle to make themselves look slimmer.
Don’t believe everything (or anything) you see on social media.
Most people only post the good times.
Nobody likes to talk about the bad times, because they don’t think anyone will accept them if they don’t appear perfect.
If you follow a lot of people who have unrealistic profiles, look for the more realistic ones.
Not using social media or following accounts that are completely irrelevant to body image is what I’d recommend first.
But, I have found a few accounts on Instagram that you can check out:
maryscupoftea
ownitbabe
I like these ones, just because they use their accounts to promote imperfections.
Which, in my opinion, is a lot more beautiful than trying to be something you’re not.
13. Move Your Body
Putting your body to work can help you appreciate what it can do.
It can be anything, like going to the gym, going for a run, playing outside with your pup, or a leisurely walk.
You don’t have to do intense exercises to be healthy.
Moving your body will help clear your mind and release endorphins, which give you energy.
Sometimes, sitting around all day can make thoughts about ourselves worse.
That’s why doing something where your body is moving for a few minutes can really help.
14. Focus on What Is Most Important
Caring too much about what you look like can make you lose sight of everything that’s already in front of you.
Like, all of the things you are working hard at achieving in life.
I bet that when you look back on your life, you won’t want to remember all of the times you were obsessing over how you looked instead of enjoying the moment.
What are your priorities in life?
Like ones that actually make you feel good?
Is that having a big family one day, or getting to travel the world?
Where is your calling you too?
These are the things you have to put first, not what you look like.
Focusing on what’s most important to you will help you accept yourself “as is”.
Because being at the perfect weight won’t matter as much as the adventures you have in life.
Also, once you learn how to focus on what is more important, it just gets easier to love your body.
15. Stop Waiting to “Look a Certain Way” to Feel Happy
How often have you told yourself “I just need to lose 20 pounds, then I’ll be happy”?
This is a lie a lot of us tell ourselves.
As a way to make the current situation better.
We just think our lives will change dramatically once we make more money, lose weight, or become successful.
These things are what drive a lot of people.
But, most of the time we are always chasing these things, and never getting to a place where we are content.
One of the best things you can do for yourself (and your sanity) is to start ignoring all of these things.
You won’t reach a point in life where your problems magically disappear.
Things happen, which means change is the only constant thing in your life.
Losing weight or changing the way you look won’t make you feel any happier.
It’s just not how it works.
It starts with you, and how you feel about yourself and your life.
If you can work on that, you will learn how to be more content and appreciate everything in your life.
16. Retrain Your Brain
You have thoughts built up in your mind about what you should look like.
And when you repeat them to yourself, you really believe they are true over anything else.
Work on retraining how you think about yourself.
There are practices you can do at home, such as:
- Figuring out your triggers
- Writing down your thoughts
- Practicing meditation
- Practicing positive thinking
- Letting go of the value you give to these powerful thoughts
Retraining your brain can help you see yourself in a completely different light.
We are our own worst enemy sometimes, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
You can learn to love yourself if you truly want to!
And if you find it hard to do yourself, it never hurts to look into therapy.
That way you can meet with someone who can work with you on properly retraining your brain to think more positively.
17. Let Go of Trying To Change Who You Are
You are who you are right now for a reason.
Trying to change your body to look a certain way will make you feel like you don’t matter enough.
But, you do!
Looks are not everything, and a lot of people will look deeper than that when trying to get to know you.
So, stop trying so hard to change the parts of yourself that make you so special.
Focus on the stuff you enjoy in life, and finding balance.
Getting too wrapped up in what your body should look like will bring on obsessive thoughts that are hard to get rid of.
We become obsessive because it’s not natural to be so focused on losing weight and being thin. It’s not what we were on the earth to do.
Spend time taking a step back and figuring out what your values are.
Let go of everything else. Because when you do this, you let go of the obsessive feeling. And learn how to live a life you love.
Did you enjoy this article, or have any questions? Leave them in the comments below!
by The Lovely Refinement Team | Jun 22, 2018 | Dealing With Emotions, Self-Confidence, Self-Esteem & Self-Love, Self-Improvement
How To Break Out Of Victim Mentality & Own Your Happiness. At some point or another, we all feel like victims of our own lives.
Things feel out of control sometimes, and it’s easy to think the world is out to get you when everything seems to go wrong. Blaming others when things do go wrong is what seems to make the most sense. It’s an easy way to protect yourself.
Unfortunately, blaming everyone else instead of taking responsibility means you will push everyone away.
Then eventually, you truly won’t have anyone else to blame but yourself. The victim mentality is a vicious cycle that never stops unless you put an end to it.
At some point, you’ll have to take responsibility for the things that happen in your life. And for the decisions which you’ve made.
It’s the only way to move past the problems and to learn how to trust yourself.
That way you will know how to get through the tough times, without feeling like the world is out to get you.
You’ll know how to solve the problems life throws at you, instead of trying so hard to avoid them. This will keep the relationships around you strong, and your confidence high.
How to Break Out Of Victim Mentality & Own Your Happiness
1. Make Better Decisions
Let’s say you are a people pleaser. You hate saying no to people, so you end up saying yes to almost everything. But, you want to be a nice person and think you can handle the load.
This is a result of bad decision making. Instead of taking a step back and listening to what you want and need, you are doing what everyone else wants.
The result? You start blaming everyone else for the stress they have caused you.
Or maybe you just generally make decisions without thinking them through. You have to pay rent but end up spending all your money on clothes. At some point, you’re going to have to make better decisions about your life.
This starts with setting boundaries with people.
People who don’t see themselves as the victim take responsibilities for their decisions. And they think through their decisions before making them.
This means they are confident in sticking to them, even if they end up being wrong. If they make the wrong decision, they learn from it instead of dwelling on it.
2. Get Rid of the Excuses
Creating excuses is really just a way of hiding your mistakes. And to avoid taking the blame.
Excuses allow you to hide away from your problems, instead of facing them. That’s because it’s embarrassing to admit when we’re wrong. We hate feeling like we messed up.
When you find yourself coming up with a reason to why you messed up, just own it. Admit that you messed up and say you will try to work on it in the future.
It won’t be easy at first, because defending yourself is like a knee-jerk reaction. But, when you own up to a mistake you don’t have to say much.
- Just say “Ok, I screwed up. How can I fix this?”
Instead of spending twenty minutes coming up with an excuse and pushing away the awkwardness.
People will respect you a lot more when you own up to your mistakes. And, you’ll actually want to avoid making that mistake again, which will prevent those problems from happening in the future.
3. Work on getting rid of the negativity in your life
Take a look at your life. Are you in a relationship with someone who takes advantage of you?
Or are you in a job that sucks your soul dry, leaving you feeling miserable and unworthy of having a good life?
Constant negativity in your life is where the victim mentality thrives. And it’s hard to take care of yourself and work on your problems if you’re surrounded by it.
When it feels like others don’t appreciate you, you’ll start to feel like you don’t matter. This is a reflection on other people, not you.
- You are in control of your own life.
Get rid of the people who don’t appreciate you for who you are, and who just take a lot without giving you anything. If you’re at a job that is messing with your mentality, you have to do something about it.
Believe me, I know what it’s like to be at a job that makes you feel like dirt.
The power of needing money to live a comfortable life becomes too strong sometimes. But, sacrificing your mental health is not an option.
You have to trust that you can pull yourself out of a bad situation, and that you’ll do whatever it takes to have a better life for yourself.
- The longer you stay in a negative situation, the more your victim mentality with fester and grow.
Make a list of things in your life that don’t bring you happiness, and ask yourself how you can get rid of those things.
Think about how you want your life to be, in the best possible way. Do you want a healthy relationship with someone who loves you? A job that makes you actually want to get up in the morning? The ability to travel and explore the world?
Then start planning for those things. Stop thinking you don’t deserve what you want because you definitely do! It just starts with you believing in it.
Even on those days where it just doesn’t seem possible.
4. Look Inward Instead of Outward
Feeling like the victim means you’re constantly blaming other people, making excuses for yourself, and self-sabotaging.
It’s a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with your problems. But, you have to look inward instead of expecting any outside force to change you.
Remember, playing the victim is easy. Actually, looking inward and facing your own issues head-on? That’s terrifying.
You have to self-reflect or else it will always be you against the world. It’s how you can solve the problem.
Ask yourself why you choose to blame people for your own mistakes. Dig deep and reflect on your life. What decisions have you made that caused you to want to play the victim?
Maybe you secretly enjoy feeling like the victim and having others feel sorry for you. But, eventually, people stop feeling sorry. And then you’re left feeling pretty shitty about your life without anyone around to complain to.
Everyone gets crap thrown at them every once in a while. You’re no different than anyone else you see. Everyone struggles. But, the people with a strong mentality know how to look inward and face the issues in their lives.
5. Work on Building up Your Confidence
If you were confident, you wouldn’t feel like a victim all the time. Self-confidence is where strength comes from.
So, practice building up your self-confidence, and taking care of yourself. The victim mentality can stir up negative thoughts in your head, making you believe you’re not worthy enough.
The best way to combat this thinking is by leaning into the uncomfortable moments and being kind to yourself.
Once you’re on your own side, you can learn how to solve problems.
Building up confidence means you learn about how to overcome mentality roadblocks.
You try harder, explore more, and live a happier life. And, nothing compares to the attraction that comes with confidence.
It’s all about believing in yourself, no matter what life throws at you. And facing it head-on.
6. Stop Expecting the Worst to Happen
As a victim, you are just waiting for the next ball to drop. So you can say “I told you so”. But, you know what ends up happening?
People start calling you a Debbie Downer. Because, yes, shit happens. We all know this.
- If you are constantly saying something bad is going to happen, it eventually will.
That’s just how life is. Waiting around for it to happen? That’s no way to live life. You have to practice seeing the good in things, even if it’s really hard.
You can start doing things in spite of what you might think the outcome is. Because you can’t always predict how a situation is going to go.
It might suck, or it might be totally unexpected. And there is really no way to know unless you give it a shot.
You can be skeptical to avoid getting burned but don’t stop trying new things. Because you will always be surprised at the outcome, and the more you try things, the less skeptical you will become.
You might feel stuck in a victim mentality, but it’s not permanent. You can change if you really want to! And if you’re reading about how to get out of it, that means you are open to change.
The days of playing the victim and self-sabotage will be over when you are finished with the program.
